One small step for a doctoral candidate

On Friday, after months of writing, editing, and writing some more, I presented my dissertation proposal. The week before was one of the more stressful in recently memory. I have never spent so much time obsessing over a presentation, making sure the wording, flow, and timing were just right. It was all for good reason- pass the proposal presentation and all comprehensive examinations will also be considered complete (my written exams were already finished, an the proposal is considered my oral exam), and I can proceed to apply for internship). While I knew others were passing theirs with little difficulty, and I knew my advisor wouldn't let me do my presentation unless I was read, a lot was riding on this day.

The presentation, of course, went as planned. I only panicked once, on the first slide (I chose to go without notes because of the room setup), and then I became confident and talked through 40 minutes as clearly as I'd hoped. After an unexpected question session from the students in attendance, the four professors on my committee spent time asking me their own questions and giving me suggestions on where to improve my work. Their thoughts were, as I expected, at a very high level, but I understood what they wanted from me. More importantly, they believed in me, and felt that the work I had presented was at the level it needed to be at. The final step was for them to sent me out of the room so they could deliberate. Just when I was wondering what I would do to entertain myself in the hallway on a Friday afternoon, I was called back in and congratulated on my good work.

I am relieved more than anything else. I felt joy for maybe a half hour, then just felt tired and glad it was over. Passing my proposal means that I can apply for internship- which means now I have a new set of work to focus on. Last night I opened my spreadsheet with the deadlines for my sites, saw that I had 34 days until the first one was due, and then went to AAPIC (Association of Psychology Postdoctoral and Internship Centers) website to open an account and start my application. I have been to the APPIC site many times over the last 2 years to read about internship sites and narrow down my favorites, but for the first time, I felt my heart race. This time I wasn't dreaming, exploring, imagining what might happen someday. Now I was taking the first steps to making it happen.

As I entered information on the application, I came across the section asking for my identification number for the APPIC Match. This would be the ultimate test of commitment- paying for and registering for the Match. This is not a match, this is the Match, capitalized. This is the system that will, once I apply, interview, and rank the sites in order of preference, will take the student rankings and the site rankings (they rank the students they interviewed) and decide who matches with which sites. I read the contract. I must abide by the Match- no deciding after I have been matched that I don't like the site after all. I am committing to participate in the Match- any backing out at this point is like I didn't match at all. I checked the box, paid them the fee, and received my applicant number. I am now officially applying for internship via the Match. I am both excited and scared senseless.

The next month will be filled with a new round of frenzy as I prepare my applications. There are hours to count (how many children did I test and with what, how many did I counsel, how many teachers did I work with, etc), essays to write, and final decisions to make as to where to apply. In all of it, I will truly understand who I have become and what I want out of my career. It's a lot of work, but the end result should be worth it all.

Year 4, Day 18, and Finally Time to Blog!

I haven't posted since the semester started. I have had so many times that I've wanted to write, but I've either been busy, or exhausted, or haven't known where to start. Now I find myself sitting at a car mechanic's shop with free WiFi, with work to do but a desire to put it aside until I am in a more... academic setting. So I am somehow going to write about 18 days' worth of adventure in just a couple paragraphs.

What sums up everything, I think, is that I am busy, I am manic, but I am finding my passions in new and interesting ways. The topic on the forefront of my workload has been my dissertation. After that last push, my proposal was completed, and next Friday I do my oral presentation to my hand-selected committee of four professors who have an interest and knowledge in my topic. Additionally, the proposal meeting is open to any students who would like to attend, and it seems I will have quite the audience. It has been humbling, yet motivating, to go through everything and know that people think that I am capable and will do well next week. I am nervous, but hopeful that I will pass next week and be able to begin my research.

My real passion, though, I am finding in my practicum. I am working at a local high school once a week, assisting the English language learners department. My focus thus far has been on assessing the skills of the new arrival students, as well as getting to know the students and the program. This is the first time that I am getting to focus on academics and the classroom, instead of psychopathology and fixing behavior problems. I am confirming that this really is my element, my home, my calling. I love my high schoolers, and they love the gringa who speaks Spanish. I love that I have freedom in this setting to create and direct and be a professional. I am satisfied, and I am feeling better than ever about going into internship.

In the rest of my time, I go to work and class. Work is good- I am helping with research that I enjoy. I have learned a lot about research in a short time, and I am getting to use my education background to answer questions. My one actual class is all about teachers, and research on teachers. It is the first time that I have taken a class with almost all teachers, so it is wonderful to share my experiences and hear from others, and to explore what being an effective teacher really means, on a deep, philosophical level as well as a practical level. I also have my internship seminar class, which is my reminder that I have an application to complete, references to ask for, and things to do that I will work on when my proposal is finished.

Finally, I spend wonderful time with wonderful people. I have my eternal support group of school and church friends that listens to me and feeds me and is always there for me. On the weekend, now, I also have my camp friends, who have become my partners in Aggie pride, who are so much fun and have added some much needed spirit to the heaviness of this year. And every time I go home, I have Jenny there to greet me and love me.

This school year is not easy- there are pressures, and long days, and many things to get done before I can reach my major goals of obtaining an internship and completing my dissertation. Thankfully, I have things I love to do and people I love to do them with. This should be a very good year.

The view from my office