The Obligatory 2011 in Review Blog

Well, it's the last day of 2011, and everyone's writing about what has happened over the past year and what they hope for in the coming year.  Who am I to do anything different?  :)  This is the first year I have blogged for a full 12 months (I started this blog in May 2010).  So for a recap of my year, I can look back at my writing for the highlights.

I began the year interviewing for internships, travelling from state to state hoping to impress someone enough to find a match in the crazy selection process.  At the end of February I found out the results and matched successfully.  The whole experience was a bit overwhelming, but I finally wrote about the outcome and my future in April.  For the next few months I prepared for the transition, focusing on anniversaries, finding a new home, saying my first goodbyes, taking a Disney vacation, and saying my last goodbyes.

In mid-July I moved to Dallas and began the second half of my year, transitioning from graduate student to predoctoral intern.  I learned my way around Dallas and tried to understand my new identity away from school as I became an adult again.  Then, once the work year began, I pledged to write weekly about my internship experience.  I'm proud to say that I've kept up with it pretty well, and have grown both as a writer and an intern because of it.  I have written about:

• Understanding my role, and trying to be patient during orientation.
• Being new, finding my place, my way, and myself during the first month in the schools.
• As I got deeper in my work, I explored the value of building rapport with my children, the danger of wanting to save them them all, what my niche is within my profession, and what I have learned from working with urban youth.
• To keep my sanity in such an intense job, I thought about how to keep healthy, started a novel (which I didn't keep up with this fall but do want to continue), counted down to holidays, considered life changes (some of which have worked out better than others), took pictures of flowers and pumpkins, and wrote about how much I hate being cold.
• Finally, in a couple posts, particularly this one, I celebrated new friends and new life (in this case, my adorable new cousin Grey), and said goodbye to friends, but more importantly those we lost, especially my aunt Debbie who died at the end of September.

So, that is 2011.  It's what I might call pre-2012.  I had a major transition, moved to a new city, and took on a new role.  2012 may bring the same experiences on another level.  In August I will graduate (finally?  or already?) and find a job.  The job could be here in Dallas, in a city I've lived in before (anyone in San Antonio want to hire me?), or wherever a great opportunity takes me.  So next year's blog could read like this year's- a spring of working and hoping for a job (but without the stress of the internship match, thankfully!), a summer move, and a fall of adjusting to a new role.  Or, I could end up with something more familiar, but either way 2012 brings a great deal of transition.  Fortunately, it's the last major year of transition in my college career.  I can't wait for 2012.

Lessons from the Halfway Point

As of this afternoon I am on Christmas/Winter Break.  It's not quite the halfway point for the school year (or internship), but it's pretty close- the halfway point for the school year falls on January 13th, and the halfway point for internship, assuming I get July off as advertised, would also fall in mid-January.  It is, though, the end of the calendar year, and it definitely feels like I've been through at least a half-year's worth of work and learning.  I have interacted with over 70 children and adolescents, and while I can't describe what I have learned from each child, I can highlight as many lessons as possible that will drive my work in the next half of the year and beyond.

Children need consistent rules and discipline from an early age.  Parents, please teach your children respect, give them high expectations, and always follow through with consequences.  Giving your child whatever he or she wants to stop misbehavior only reinforces the behavior, and makes the transition to school harder.

Children need role models.  They need adults around them who make good decisions, who control their anger, and who care for others.  How can a child control their anger if everyone around them is yelling at them?  How can an adolescent resist peer pressure when they live in a neighborhood or household where drugs are used and easily available?  How can a teenager set life goals if they have family members in prison?  How can they learn any self-discipline if no one at home supports their choices, sets rules, or gives them the attention they need?

So many of my children have few or no role models at home, so they have never learned the skills they need to be successful.  They want to do well, want to have hope, but are often lost.  The adults around them have made poor choices that have affected the lives of the children- and while the adults often realize something needs to be done, they don't know how to help, or don't have the skills or means to help.  The situations seem hopeless, and the child or adolescent needs to feel they have a future.

Schools need to be safe places for children.  Especially for children who have difficulties at home, school should be the place where adults are caring, positive, and nurturing.  If a child or adolescent is in need of a role model and hasn't found one within their family, there should be strong adults at school that can be admired and trusted.  Unfortunately, the more difficult the area, the less likely this seems to be.  Teachers and staff in high-poverty schools seem to often be burned out, or more aggressive in their methods, and students have a hard time finding an adult they trust.  In addition, many adolescents who I work with feel they have already been labeled as a "troublemaker" and that no one cares about them, making the relationships even more challenging.  Even when an adult does seem to care, the student does not respond.  Schools, particularly in these areas, need to evaluate their methods.  They focus on discipline and being "tough", and often miss out on the ways they can bring positive change to their students.

So what does all of this mean to my work?  It means that for the children and adolescents I work with, I am a psychologist (intern, of course), but also might be a mentor, a role model, a parent, an advocate, and a friend.  I fill any void I need to that another adult hasn't taken, until I identify other people or resources who are willing to help.  For some of my cases, I fill just the primary role; for others, I fill all roles.  It is the reality of working in my neighborhood.

In the second half, I want to improve at my roles.  Of course my primary job is to become a good school psychologist, and I am growing tremendously.  Of the other roles, I am working most at advocacy.  I want the schools to use positive approaches in working with all students, particularly those with emotional needs.  One of my schools is moving from a reactive disciplinary approach to a mental health proactive approach, and I am hoping our successes can be replicated elsewhere.  I want all of my students to feel that when they come to school that everyone cares about them, not just me.  I want them to feel that they are important, and they have a future.

When it all comes down to it, there's really one lesson that all of this comes down to.  It's so simple, and yet somehow isn't always the focus.

All children need love.

What's your Niche?

My supervisor talked today, as she has before, about my "niche".  She sees my secondary rotation as being my niche within the department, and she asked me what else I am interested in becoming involved in.  I answered, and this other area, which is linked to my rotation, make it clear to her that I could carve out this niche and become a valued member of the district.

One one hand, I'm not completely sure this is what I want to be known for forever- the second part maybe, but I'm still unsure about the other work I have been doing.  On the other hand, there is a value to having a niche, because it gives me an area of expertise that will be important to others.  As I prepare to look for a job, and possibly stay in this district, anything that makes me stand out is critical.

The whole time I went through graduate school I tried to carve a niche for myself.  Now, in internship, my identity has been shifting.  I have found a new appreciation for counseling children and adolescents, which helps me build relationships in a way that I haven't done since I taught.  As my caseload grows, though, I am trying to figure out what my niche is- adolescents with depression?  anger management?  children in poverty?  Or is my niche the fact that I can apply everything I loved as a teacher and graduate student- creating support systems in schools, intervening early, and finding positive approaches to problems- to the issues facing children and adolescents with high need?  I guess we'll see where it all ends up.

Have you found your niche?  Do you know what you do that makes the world a better place?  I hope we all find it.


I can't leave this week without mentioning my cousin*, Lisa Marie Calderone-Stewart, whose niche was empowering inner-city youth.  She did an amazing job at it, too.   She passed away on Friday.  Here is her story.


*I think I have finally sorted out she is my third cousin, once removed?  She's still family.

Cold Weather: An Analysis

I owe a post about Thanksgiving and the times after.  But only one thing is on my mind right now- the horrible, miserable, cold weather I have been dealing with, and will be facing for at least the next week.  I hate cold weather the way other people hate hot weather, or root canals, or taxes.  I am sure my loathing will ease as winter settles in (wait, it hasn't started yet?), but this first freeze is always the worst.  So, as I warmed myself in the tub this evening, I challenged myself to find reasons why cold weather is actually needed and, perhaps, a good thing.  Here's what I came up with.

Many animals need cold weather for survival.  Bears and squirrels (or is it chipmunks?  or both?) hibernate, and I'm assuming if it weren't cold they wouldn't know when to turn out their lights and crawl into their beds.  Maybe the changes in daylight are plenty, though, and they don't need the cold.  So I'll get back to you on that.

Arctic and Antarctic animals need cold though!  What would the world be like without polar bears and penguins?  Not as cute, anyway.  And we wouldn't have movies like March of the Penguins and Happy Feet.  Well, one of those would be missed anyway.  We also wouldn't have awesome Coke commercials at Christmas.

So why do humans need cold weather?  Well, snow, of course!  First of all, snow is beautiful to look at.  Each snowflake is unique, so they tell us.  Of course, you can't tell this by looking at them outside while you are freeing, but you can tell by looking through microscopes, which I think is just as pretty, and warmer.

Okay, so snow is fun because you get to play with it!  Snowballs, snowball fights, snowmen.  Then sports, from skiing to sledding to ice skating.  I skiied once, and hurt myself.  I have ice skated a few times, all indoors in Texas, where it wasn't nearly as cold outside.  But I'll admit, snowsports are fun.  I don't need them every day though.  In fact, I'm willing to have them stay wherever you cold-loving people live and I'll travel to them!  Keep your resorts in good shape and I'll happily visit when I need a snow fix.  It's what I did as a kid in California and it worked great.  Here in Texas I'd actually have to fly.  Or drive to the mall to ice skate.

So, this exercise has taught me that cold weather is a wonderful thing.  For other people.  I have no desire to see seasons change, break out fuzzy sweaters, or put on heavy coats.  I love hot chocolate, but am fine with chocolate milk, and will take my cider or coffee hot or cold.  I want flip flops over boots and shorts over jeans.  In the immortal words of Davy Crockett, "You may all go to Alaska (Colorado, Antarctica, etc)- I will go to Texas (Hawaii, Mexico, etc)!"

Week 16- The storm, and the calm

It was a hard week.  I'm not sure why- were the kids more excitable than usual because of the upcoming week off, are the adults crankier because they are tired, or is my caseload has just gotten more interesting?  I think all of the above, really.  My schools felt more frantic, and there were more discipline problems.  The teachers and administrators were frustrated with their students, and I heard comments directed at students I work with (and read emails) that were laced with emotion that seemed unnecessary when addressing young people who we are charged with helping.  And my kids, they are full of inner turmoil, and my heart kept breaking for them.  I'm not good yet at separating myself from my job- I take their issues home with me and worry about them and how they will cope until I see them again.  After one day, I spent the drive home in tears over a new child whose story I couldn't get out of my head.  I know someday I won't be so sensitive- but at the same time I want to be sensitive enough that I do my best work.

After two days of miserable sleep, I woke up today and did something that is always therapeutic for me.  I found a place where I could walk, take pictures, and enjoy nature.  Nature photography is very soothing for me.  Just being in the quiet spaces alone is enough, away from the chaos.  The photography helps me focus on the beauty around me.  Whether it's a single flower, an anomaly in a scene, or a breathtaking landscape, the time I spend capturing whatever has my attention keeps my wandering mind away from my stress and onto what moves and inspires me.

The photos below are a few of my favorites from today's trip to the Dallas Arboretum, a botanical garden and landscape off White Rock Lake.  It is still decorated for fall, with pumpkins lining many walkways and structures, and a pumpkin village.  The flowers and trees reflect the fall colors, and I was amazed at the number of flowers in bloom.  It's a stunning place- and many people agreed, as it was quite crowded by the time I left, filled with families taking fall and Christmas pictures and couples taking engagement pictures.  It was hard to pick out a few to post (I took a LOT).  The full gallery is at my Photobucket album.

Fall Flowers:

Pumpkin Fun:

Landscapes:

Anomalies

Week 15- Change. It's a good thing.

This was, or is becoming, a week for change.  Some good, some not as good, some to be decided.  But on the whole, I felt that I learned more about myself and my priorities.  In chronological order....

1. I will not be following through with NaNoWriMo this year.  I love the concept, but I wasn't feeling well a couple days, and then I just didn't want to rush to get back into it.  I love writing, and want to finish what I started, but I'm too controlling with my work to just write feverishly to meet the goal.  I want to get to know the character I created on day one, figure out where she's going and why.  Hopefully this will be the year I finally write my novel.  I've been wanting to write one ever since I was a child, and the story I have started would give  a new voice to the children I work with.  Wish me luck.

2. I spent half of my week in workshops, away from my kids.  It was strange being away from them, and I missed my work a lot.  At the same time, I was part of many conversations about my "old" interest topics- my passions that don't always fit well with my internship.  School improvement, systems change, educational interventions.  It made me think a lot about where I want my career to go- do I want to focus on mental health, move back toward an educational focus, or do it all.  I suppose I can't be especially picky at entry-level, and I don't start looking for jobs until spring, but it was good to be faced with some of my other career interests and reflect.  In the end, though, I just love helping kids and making their lives better, and it was so nice to be back at work.

3. I chopped off a bunch of hair :)  I'd been deliberating it for weeks, and I'm so glad I went through with it.  I realized that I am very conservative in this area of my life- the fact that I suddenly have clearly unnatural blonde highlights around my face is still taking some adjusting- but I am trying to let go and enjoy it.  

4. Actually, this one could have been third, but it's the most in process one.  I'm exploring vegetarianism.  It's an idea that's been in my head off and on for years- I love animals, and I am not thrilled by the idea of eating them.  Meat is everywhere, though, and it's culturally what we do, and it sure is delicious.  I've never been able to eat meat that still is in its original form- can't eat raw crawfish, or pick a lobster out of a tank, or eat anything that's staring or smiling at me.  Overall, though, I've mostly done okay, though I've never been a huge meat-eater to begin with.  The last few weeks, though, I've felt a shift.  I read a couple articles, talked to a couple people, and for the first time felt like change was something I might actually commit to at some point.  I hadn't made any firm decisions though.  It's just easier to follow the status quo, and I'm not one to shake thing up.

On Friday, I went to the store and picked up one of those pre-cooked chickens they sell at the front of the store.  I came home, ready to eat.  I opened the top, looked at the whole bird, and it all just hit me.  I didn't see dinner, I saw the animal, and I became extremely upset.  I've never had more of a visceral reaction to food before, and it took me so off guard I didn't know what to do.  I told myself that since it was there, I should try to eat it, but pulling the meat off, and then eating it, just felt terrible. I lost my appetite.

A change happened Friday that I didn't expect, and I'm looking into the realities of eliminating meat from my diet.  I don't eat much at home anyway, and I think I can easily find foods to eat to replace anything I do eat.    I've heard it's best to do it gradually anyway.  As for being out, I think it's getting easier to make it work.  With the holidays coming up, well, we'll see how it works out.  I may not make the full transition right away.  I did have some ground beef (in a taco salad) last night, and I was okay eating it, but cooking it felt odd.  In the end, this will depend on me, and what I end up finding acceptable.  Maybe this is passing, but it didn't feel passing. It felt like a deep shift in my morality, something I've never quite experienced before.  

So that is my week...I learned a lot about myself, and am curious what awaits...

Week... 14? Or, holy cow, how is this year going by so fast?

Three months of internship, done.  Halloween is over and November is here.  As our department head told us today, there are 10 school days left until Thanksgiving, and after that 15 school days until Christmas.  We have been told to start preparing for our first evaluation (which takes place at the end of the month).  The first applications are coming in for next year's internship, and we are discussing how interviews will work.  I have a feeling that the next two months will fly by even faster.  Next thing you know I will be finishing my dissertation and job hunting.  Yay, yet eek.

I can see how I'm growing out here, and it's exciting, but I'll write more later.  My head has been hurting for a couple days, both impeding my journal writing, dissertation writing, and unfortunately my NaNoWriMo writing.  Hoping to get some sleep and get back on track this weekend.  

Just wanted to celebrate the milestone and check in with my friends and family!

NaNoWriMo?

So I've been enjoying this blogging thing quite a bit.  I've been keeping a weekly schedule (I know, I didn't publish the weekend, but I have a great topic that I am still processing and will have out soon).  I've also been looking for other ways to deal with stress, and process my daily life.  Well, as I was reminded the last couple days by some Facebook friends, there might be one.

Tomorrow is the first day of NaNoWriMo, also known as National Novel Writing Month.  It's a writing challenge- 30 days in November, 50,000 words written of a novel.  That's 1,667 words a day, or maybe 3 pages single spaced.  It's a decent undertaking, and one that I don't want to start tomorrow and by Sunday already have quit.  It would fun, though, to write creatively and not just about my life.  At the same time, I could incorporate aspects of my students and their lives and write a novel that could encompass their point of view.  I don't know what my plot would be yet, only that I want to give a voice to the children I am working with and find a way to empower them.  I'm open to ideas from my creative friends on how to accomplish this.

I still have 5 1/2 hours before NaNoWriMo starts to commit to the task.  I'm kind of excited, though, after writing this.  I just hope I know what I'm getting myself into!

Week 12- Oof.

Work is finally going at full speed.  Teachers are realizing that certain students are standing out as needed extra support, and referrals for my services are coming in.  This was easily my busiest week of the year, and after talking to my coworkers it is clear this is just the beginning.  I'm not complaining at all, because this is what I asked for.  It's just a huge adjustment.

I'm trying to keep myself calm and focused with the new demands.  I'm exhausted at night, but sometimes my brain doesn't settle down as easily because it's still on work.  Mental health is a demanding field- you are always thinking about a child who had a bad day, a new case you want to learn more about, a situation you are trying to get a handle on.  This is the time to get into healthy routines.  I talked to a coworker about her meditation practices.  I might actually try reading more often (I know, I know).  I'm considering exercising more.  I admit, the visit to the German bakery was nice, but probably shouldn't become routine- same for the gathering last night (the time with friends was wonderful, but that was a lot of wine...).  So I'm exploring and figuring out what is the best fit for my lifestyle and personality.  I just want to make sure I don't burn myself out and continue to love my job.

And now for some lunch, time with the dog, and Aggie football. At least two of those will help my stress level :)

Week 11- The Savior Complex

I've always felt that my work is important.  Whether in my first career as a teacher or now as a school psychologist, I've always been incredibly passionate about helping children and making their lives better.  Recently, though, I've noticed that in some cases my passion has developed a sense of urgency, if you will.  I'm sure that psychology has already examined what I have been going through, but for now I will call it the Savior Complex.

I am working in what most would describe as an inner-city environment.  There is high poverty and the problems associated with it.  My children know about gangs and drugs.  For some, their parents are in prison, for others, their parents have been deported.  It is not a world I have ever known before, but am trying to understand.

Many children are referred to me at critical times in their lives.  They may have faced a recent transition or loss and are unsure how to cope.  They may be showing early signs of dropping out of school.  They may be showing signs of mental health issues such as depression.  In this environment, it is likely the families of these children have few resources to help- they can't afford counseling (or can't provide transportation to free counseling), or the family may be disjointed and unable to properly support the child the way he or she needs them to.

So my Savior Complex comes in when I get these referrals and realize I am the only option to help these children.  Without my intervention, they will get no treatment for their depression; have no consistent person to talk to about their parent's incarceration; have no one to fight for them to stay in school.  Sometimes, this is a healthy complex to have.  It drives me to do my job the best I can, because if I don't follow through on something it's possible no one else will.  I don't ever want to let my kids down.

What I am realizing, though, is the negative side of this attitude.  Parents have to give permission for their children to work with me.  I have now faced multiple situations where the parents have declined my services.  In each situation I have become angry and upset at my lack of power to "save" the child.  Why would a parent possibly turn down the chance for a professional to work with their child free of charge when they are clearly struggling?  The reasons have been similar, and related to the culture I am working with- they don't want the school and/or a stranger in their family business.  While part of me knows I have to respect this, the rest of me, the professional and savior, becomes furious.  You know your child is having problems coping with their situation.  You have admitted it to the counselor/teacher/etc.  Yet you are turning down free help?  Do you understand how much worse things will get if I don't get to work with your child??????

I am becoming calmer and reminding myself I am not the end-all cure to every child.  The ones who are not receiving my services are not necessarily doomed because I did not intervene.  I am not the only caring adult that will ever have a chance to work with them.  Along the way there will be teachers, counselors, and members of the community who will get to know them and provide support and mentoring.  Their families will do their best to address their needs- I believe that the decline of services was not about what I had to offer and more about their approach to coping with problems.  As I gain experience in my profession, I will gain more peace about the fact that I cannot save every child that I meet.  It's hard to let go, but I have to.  There are many more children who need me.

At the same time, as I do gain students to work with, I must keep realistic expectations about how much change I can enact in their lives.  As I get to know them, it usually becomes clear where I can make change and what is out of my control.  I am an idealist by nature (anyone who knows me can attest to that), but the reality of the situations my students are in can't be ignored.  Still, the work I have been able to do so far gives me hope. I am learning I can't be a savior, but I can be a positive force for children in need.

Weeks 9 and 10- Goodbyes and Hellos

It's hard to know how to write about what happened since my last post.  So I will do what I can.

On Thursday, September 29, my aunt Debbie lost her battle with cancer.  It was a very long and hard fight, and she never gave up.  This is the last time I saw her, when she came to Texas in April to visit both my parents and me as well as my aunt Donna, cousin Danielle, and their families.  It was a great day.

(l-r: cousins Justin and Danielle, Debbie, Dad, me, and uncle Steve)

The next day I went to Oklahoma City to meet my cousin's baby.  Unlike my dad's site where there are many aunts, uncles, and cousins, on my mom's side we are much smaller- Crystal and I are the only children to come from our parents (and their siblings), so this is the first baby to be born in, well, 30 something years.  It was a joyous weekend as we joined with her husband Dave's family to celebrate the baptism and birth of little Grey Harper Valentine, who is nearly three months old.  It was not only a wonderful weekend, but a chance for my mom and I to rest and heal from our loss.  Below is precious Grey:

And our family: Dave and Mom on top, Me, Crystal, and Grandma seated, and Grey in the middle :)

I returned home refreshed and in a better place.  I went to the fair after work the next day, and experience that requires its own blog post (maybe after my second visit next week), then ended the week getting sick.  It's time to focus on work again, I suppose.  But I'm so glad I focused on family.  There is something special about family, whether you are supporting each other in a time of grief and loss or marveling at the smile of a baby.  I love you all :)

Week 8- Building Rapport

In psychology, building rapport is the term for getting to know your client and establish the therapeutic relationship.  It's not just about talking and becoming friends- it's about establishing trust so you can accomplish the goals of counseling.  While I wear many hats in my internship, counseling is a large part of it.

In the work I do with children, building rapport is the most critical, and in this first month of school it is obviously a major focus.  I am sent to work with children that someone- teachers, parents, principals- is concerned about.  The child has never met me, and may or may not agree that there is a problem.  I have to, in those first meetings, convince the child to not only like me, but trust me enough to tell me about feelings and situations that they share with few people, or maybe have hidden from everyone.  I use the term "child" loosely- I spend a great deal of time with young adolescents, who more even more resistant.  While younger children are more willing to go along with what parents or teachers ask, adolescents are often angry (or at the minimum annoyed) that they are being forced to see a psychologist.  Add to all of this the trauma that many of them have been to.  I work in a poverty-stricken area of the city and am working with children

Over this last month I have slowly built up a group of students both in my schools and my counseling clinic, and that first meeting has been critical.  I've been really happy with how everything has gone.  I've always felt like building relationships with children is one of my biggest strengths, first as a teacher and now as a school psychologist.  I don't know what I do or how I do it- I just smile and show them acceptance, I guess.  I always have given the credit to my mother and her amazing ability to connect with children.  I think it runs in the family :)  My kids have been so open with me that it sometimes blows me away.  Children who have just met me are telling me things I can't imagine telling a stranger.  Some have cried as they have told me their stories and their pain.  None have refused to speak to me, and from what I can tell all have been honest.  All have been open to seeing me (even if they are not sure they need to), and some even are enthusiastic about our weekly visits.  It has been very humbling to know that young people are putting their trust in you, and in turn, with the rapport successfully building, I now have to task to make their lives better.

I will end with the story that inspired this week's reflection. I had an initial counseling session with a young adolescent, and she quickly opened up to me about many feelings that she had been holding inside.  As we left the room, she looked at me and said, "I already feel like things are better now."  I was touched not only by her ability to trust me so quickly, but by how her faith that our work together was going help her.  I hope I am able to give her what she needs.

It was a good week.  Next week I will delay my post because I will be visiting family in Oklahoma.  I can't wait to see my mom, grandma, cousins, and their precious baby!

Week 7: Finding Myself

First of all, I took at look at my views for my posts. I actually never have, but with the redesign of Blogger it was easier. Two notes: I have a lot more readers than I realized. Thank you to everyone who has followed my journey. On the other hand, barely anyone read last week. I posted on Sunday, aka September 11th, and I think it got lost in the other posts about that day. So if you missed it, you are welcome to go back and catch up.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog. It was a long week, but definitely interesting. My usually scheduled workload, with a training workshop (where I was assisting, not attending) and a crisis (the first one I've worked at) thrown in. It was an interesting mix of work, because at my schools I really feel that I have grown into my job and am feeling more empowered, while at the same time I played second banana, if you will, in areas that were new experiences. I was thankful for my sidekick status when it came up, because I still have so much to learn this year.

In other news, I found ways to focus on myself and not just work. Since I moved here I found a home away from home, the First Unitarian Church of Dallas, and on Monday I got up the nerves to join the Kindred Voices choir. It was a wonderful evening- although I am a bit out of practice, and the choir was more demanding than I expected, it was invigorating and inspiring hour, and the members are fun and welcoming. 

Around the same time, I decided I needed some more rejuvenation, and spent Saturday morning changing up my hair. It's superficial, but I was rushing from location to location and ignoring myself, and spending the time on my appearance has made me feel so much better. While it's so easy to throw yourself together in the morning and rush to work, I am looking forward to doing it with more confidence.

 Speaking of rushing around (and confidence), all of this craziness, combined with bringing lunches and having light dinners (mostly due to just being tired and not having a big appetite) has led to something that I suspected could be going on but was confirmed today- I am losing weight! I'm not sure I recommend what I call the Internship Diet, because I do need to eat more at night, but at the same time I am proud of myself for not running to drive thrus after work and keeping my vices to things I can mostly keep healthy (thank you, Pinkberry). I went shopping today and bought food that would help me keep up the positive habits I am falling into while ensuring I have good options when I am tired after work. I think this is the largest amount of weight I have ever lost in one span and I really want to keep up the momentum.

Next week I get lots of time with friends, and I am excited. Besides choir practice, there is a game night and potluck with the church's young adults over the weekend. In addition, I am joining two of my favorite friends from undergrad at a concert Thursday, and a new group of friends at another concert Saturday. I am gaining a good balance between work and fun- I just hope it's the right balance! :)

One final element to wrap this all up. While I am finding myself in all of this, I hope that soon people begin to find me. As my close friends and family know, I can come across in different ways depending on my comfort level and the situation, and it seems that while I am not particularly in my shell, most people don't know the "real me" yet. This came to my attention Friday, in a conversation with my fellow interns, when I referred to my personality and implied that it was silly or hyper and I got a very strange look. They haven't seen so much of who I am yet- neither have most of my new friends in town. I, of course, probably don't know them yet either. I look forward to what comes next, and surprising them with who I am :)

Week 6: Finding My Way

I've had a hard time deciding what to write about this week. There are many small issues on my mind, but none that seem involved enough to write about on their own. I am becoming busier, with 2-3 students at every school, enough for me to have time to learn about these new cases and take time with them. It's good, at the beginning, not to feel rushed, and particularly so as a newbie. I am discovering the positive energy of working with parents and colleagues who know what you can do for children and believe you can make a difference; I am also learning the frustration of being rejected, mostly by parents who don't understand (or won't accept) their child's needs. I am still finding my place- I've always said I'll work anywhere as long as there are two chairs, but I've even had to adjust that temporarily. Hopefully this was the only week I end up in that situation. Overall, though, all is well. There are still things to be sorted out, but I am getting the hang of the position, and I have great support around me. I will find my way :)

Week 5- Finding My Place

The second week of school brings a sense of familiarity, but I am still finding my way, in many senses of the word. In the first week the schools have had time to identify children who have emotional or behavioral needs, so in the second week I was able to work with children and teachers for the first time. The caseload was slow- one school had only one child for me to work with so I spent a whole morning on his case- but it was productive. I am getting a feel for the population that I will be serving, but I will save that for a later week when I have more of an understanding of it (it is clear that I am not in suburbia anymore....). There are a lot of challenges, but I see the rewards and am excited about what is to come. I know that next week there are a lot more referrals coming and I will be very busy meeting new kids and seeing how I can made a difference.

As to the other aspect of finding my place... well, I was always told that school psychologists work anywhere. At my first school I was looking for a room to play a game with a kindergartener, and the counselor and I looked for the custodian. We first were going to use his office, but then realized there was an unused lounge/conference room two doors down from my student's classroom. It was the perfect solution, because it was bare and my child needed NO distractions! At a middle school I have twice needed private space. Once I have ended up in the library, which has been renovated and so boxes are being moved and unpacked. This week I was offered a teacher's lounge, which as it turns out is currently filled with about 5 classroom chairs, a student desk, and some cans of paint. It also has a faculty restroom, so as I am talking to students we can be interrupted at any time. May I someday soon have permanent spaces at my schools, partially so that my kids know where to find me, and partially so we can have some privacy!

Finally, I am still finding my place in Dallas, getting to know people and making friends. I am at the point where I sometimes feel that I am still on the outside peeking in when it comes to the social circles around me. It's hard being the new girl, and I've never been skilled at breaking in. I am trying to be myself, be proactive, and be patient. I am surrounded by good people.

It is a lovely three day weekend. Time to get off the couch and enjoy this reward for getting through a month of internship!

Week 4- The New Kids

There is nothing like the first week of school- the anticipation and anxiety held by both children and school staff is one of my favorite experiences. The last time I experienced a first week of school was the 2006-2007 school year, my last year of teaching. This time I was entering three new campuses where I was the new kid, joining dozens of other new kids in learning the culture of a new school and finding my place.

It was a good, but slow week. While I don't have any children assigned to me yet, I found as many ways to be useful as I could, from assisting at registration to translating for parents to going through files. I am getting to know the people I will work closely with, and am meeting others who will become close allies. I have some meetings and activities planned for next week and see how my workload will slowly pick up. Mostly, I just want to be useful and important to my campuses. Also, I made my first visit to the mental health clinic I am assigned to, and so far enjoy the site and the people who work there. As school gets underway I will begin picking up new clients there as well.

It is hard sometimes being the new person, slowing building rapport and waiting to have children and teachers to work with. It is a good time to take advantage of so that I can get to know people and learn about the environments, even if it is not in my personality to sit around and wait. Soon, though, things will change, and I will no longer be the new kid but the busy psychology intern wondering what happened to the calmness of August.

Week 3- Patience

I was told a couple days ago by a friend and former intern in my district that I would learn a lot of patience this year, and this week was definitely a lesson. It was the week after intern orientation but before school starts, the week all staff return to work for meetings and preparation. It started out pretty exciting, as most of the department had still been on vacation, so we got to meet everyone and get a real feel for the office environment. Our office, full of school psychologists and social workers, is lively and friendly, and I felt comfortable immediately. As the week went on, our days were mixed with meetings/trainings and down time to get work done. For the veterans, there was a lot of organization, paperwork, and contacting to do. For the interns... well, we made the best use of our time that we could. I wanted to be busy, be either in workshops or at schools, but I realized it was all temporary. Thursday and Friday I finally got to visit my schools, as well as those of my supervisors. I met people who will be instant allies and people who will become allies given time (it amazes me that there are people who question the need to give psychological help to their students, but I will work on them :) ). It was exciting to be in the energy of back-to-school preparation, although I am nervous for some schools that are still finishing construction and other projects. There was nothing like watching teachers and staff go into their new building for the first time- smiles and gasps over their new spaces, and the pride of the principal for what he could give his teachers and children.

So now, after resting this weekend, I will be part of a first day of school for the first time in five years. Even though these first days and weeks will be slow, and I will have to have more patience, I am just happy to be in the schools and working with teachers and children. Let the fun begin! :)

Weeks 1 and 2- Definition, Identity, and Union

My goal for the next year (or 11 months, at least) is to write weekly about my experiences on internship. Writing is partially for me and partially for those who are following this journey, and I think a weekly goal is a good one. It will be challenging, though. I have to be extremely cautious about how I talk about my schools and students, and will likely talk in generalities to keep things as private as possible. I also will have to, as always, think carefully about what I write if there is conflict or any other negativity. As I move into this process I will evaluate how best to journal this experience. If anyone else knows of other blogs addressing internship, please pass them along so I can get some ideas.

So clearly I messed up already, being that I am writing two weeks in. This is for two reasons- first, because the two weeks really went together, and I knew I'd be able to write a more solid reflection once it was over. Second, it was my birthday weekend and I was having fun :) Plus, I was exhausted!

The first two weeks here are the official orientation time for interns- most of the staff is still enjoying their summer, so we get time on our own to learn about our new roles. Part of the time was spent in meetings and trainings, learning everything from the basics of internship (supervision, evaluations, and our favorite topic, timesheets) to our roles in counseling, RTI, crisis intervention, reporting child abuse, and more. The other part of the orientation was a series of site visits to help us learn about the services offered to our students, both to have ideas of who to refer them to if they needed more interventions and to know about them if our students were already working with them. I made my first visits to a juvenile detention center and a homeless shelter; I also talked to counseling clinics, a psychiatric hospital, and facilities for runaways, foster children, and drug abusers. It was eye opening to see how serious the problems for many children in this area are, but it was also comforting to know that there were many people giving their time to help these children and turn their lives around.

The past two weeks have led me to three processes. First, I have begun to define myself within this new context. The nature of this internship is more specialized than I am used to, and at the beginning I spent a bit of time retraining my brain. There are many tasks that fall under the general definition of school psychologist, but some of those are not part of my job description here. This is neither a positive or a negative- in some ways I am excited about the time I will get to spend learning new skills that I haven't worked on before, but a part of me will miss other tasks (but also realizes that I could go back to them later). It's been a process, but by the second week I felt secure in my role. I think the site visits made a big impact- by seeing the high need of youth in this city, I see why my specialized role is valuable to the schools and how no one could do everything and meet the needs of the children.

The second process is identity. Now that I understand my global definition as an intern in this district, I am creating my identity. I have my school assignments and have studied them, as well as the neighborhoods. They are in a way what I asked for, but they are also a challenge. I have also, with the orientation and site visits over, chosen a secondary rotation, the place I want to devote my time that will focus on my interests and career goals. So now, when the school year begins in just over a week, I will be able to carve my niche within this internship. It is an exciting feeling.

Finally, with all of the traveling and meetings, I have spent a significant amount of time with my fellow interns and our supervisors. Everyone is very friendly, and I felt by the end of orientation that we had joined together into a team. I never felt like I was some inferior student, but have been treated like a new staff member, and I have appreciated that so much.

So the first two weeks have been great, but I have been prepared for a job that will be very challenging. There is still time to learn during this month, as we have next week when the staff returns to attend meetings and visit our schools, and the first week or two we will do some shadowing with our supervisor and make sure we are ready to be on our own. I am taking it all in and hoping I will be the best school psychologist for the children I will serve this year.

Growing up, again

On Wednesday I had orientation for internship- learned about health insurance, benefits, paychecks, and my email account. On Monday I begin internship- a couple weeks of trainings, site visits, meetings, and preparation for a full year of helping children in the schools. In just over two days, the adventure I have been preparing for will begin.

Internship has been set up to feel like a real job, and except for the level of supervision it is one. I attended an orientation with other district employees and am receiving the same benefits. The pay, while not what I would make with my degree, is livable. My hours are the same as everyone else in my department. What does this mean? I have grown up...again.

Ten years ago (plus a week) I began my first full time job, stepping into the cafeteria of an elementary school to meet my coworkers and learn about life as a teacher. I had worked previously, but that day was when I remember settling into adulthood and the responsibility of my career. It was very overwhelming, but fulfilling. I spent six years as a teacher before deciding I needed to move on. Enrolling in graduate school was a step forward and a step backward. It was a step forward toward my career goals, but in becoming a student and doing part-time work I also moved backward. The pay and benefits changed, as did the strict hours, dress code, and way of life. For four years, life has been on a detour. Though I was getting older, I was spending time with younger peers and living a lifestyle that didn't match the one I had left.

So as I look forward to Monday and internship, in a way I feel like I am back on the path I was on before. In another way though, it's like I'm back in 2001, and I'm the new college graduate ready to show up to her brand new job in her new clothes. It's an odd feeling to have at nearly 33 years old. To have not worked professionally in four years is definitely an adjustment, but it's one that I'm definitely ready for. It's where I have been trained to be, and where I need to be.

Lisa's career, take 2...

Identity

Another thing that has been on my mind is my identity in this new situation. I'm trying to figure out what it is- I know what it is, it's that I can't explain it clearly to others. Let me explain.

First is a smaller issue that came up at church today. I am a Unitarian Universalist, a progressive faith that many do not find, as was my case, until adulthood. So often when people come to a UU church for the first time, it is their first encounter with any UU church. It's not like walking into a Baptist church- even if you have never been to a Baptist church, it's pretty unlikely you need someone to explain to you what Baptists are or what will happen during service. Someone new to a UU church may have UU friends, or have done some reading, but will be looking for guidance. So today, when I made my first trip to the First Unitarian Church of Dallas, I wasn't sure what to call myself, and kept clarifying things. Because when people asked me, "Are you a visitor?" I didn't want to say yes. I was a visitor who was also one of them and hoped to make this place a home, not just someone seeing what this strange faith was about. I was glad I did give the "Yes, but..." answer, because I think I was more quickly embraced. Instead of getting a sales pitch for UUism, I was told how special this community was and how much I would love it here. So, I'm not really a visitor, not a member... but I'm happy to have found a place to spend time in.

The more pressing identity issue, though, has to do with my status as an intern. When I am asked why I moved to Dallas, the short answer I am giving is "for work". But if conversations get more detailed, I realize I'm in a unique situation. I came here because I finished school at A&M. Did I graduate? Well...not yet, but almost. Most people have some concept of internships but they need more explanation and have questions about my specific situation. If I ignore the internship part and say I came here to work for the schools, they assume I'm a teacher, so then I have to fill in the gaps that way. Ultimately, we get to the point where I say I do school psychology. As any of my friends can attest, that brings its other set of misunderstandings, mainly "oh, you're a counselor!"... and then I explain what I do and don't do. When it comes down to it, I know what I am by title- I'm a pre-doctoral intern. But am I still a student? I don't feel like one since I'm not taking classes or am anywhere near my campus, but I still pay tuition and can claim it for discounts. Am I out in the working world? Well, I kind of feel like one since I will have a normal working schedule, and I'll get paychecks, but I'll have a lot more supervision and training than I will when I really do work.

Hopefully once I get into everything here, have settled in to both work and life, my identity will feel more comfortable and I don't have to clarify everything I tell people. It's just part of the process that will take some time.

The transition

Well, since my last post I have moved to Dallas. There is so much to say that it's hard to contain it in one entry. So I will try to summarize it as best I can.

I finished all of my goodbyes and see you soons (as my grandma would call them). I had interesting talks with the professors who I work the closest with: one made sure I would keep in touch, one told me how proud she was of my journey (while reminding me to finish my dissertation), and one gave me tips on the upcoming job search. I had lunches and dinners, finished packing... okay, so I kinda finished packing, and then my friends came over Friday to load up the U-Haul. Friday evening made me realize that a) I way underestimated my readiness to load the truck, b) grad school has only intensified my chaotic treatment of my house, and c) I have very good friends who did an amazing job of helping me get the job done. Saturday morning my friend and I hit the road early and met my recently transplanted Texas branch of the family to unload and move me in.

So, I've now been here eight days, and each day I learn more and try to process this new experience. I love being in a big city, the convenience and quantity and quality of anything I could want. In the first few days, I was astounded at how many stores were so close that helped me complete my move-in shopping needs. As I am more settled, I am learning about restaurants of every type, museums, natural settings (I have already been to the aquarium, next up will be the zoo and arboretum), the arts, and so many ways to keep myself entertained. I am trying to do what I can before internship starts, and then I will go slower, hoping to see all I can while I am here. I am also learning the cultural aspects of Dallas. This city is known for being classic Texas- big hair, money, status. Where I live, there is diversity, and I am thankful that I am rarely being exposed to the Dallas stereotype. My friends, however, who are doing more exploring of restaurants and live close but in a slightly nicer area, have already noticed "uniforms" based on the occasion and cost of dinner. As the year goes on, I hope to better understand this city and where I want to spend more time based on what fits my personality and where I might find people like me.

In all of my excitement and adventure, I am aware of what I have left behind. I see the online posts about what my friends are doing, and it feels odd to not be part. I read about upcoming events at church, see emails about my program, and am trying to detach myself. I don't expect anyone's lives to stop because I am gone, but it will take time to read about game nights, dinners out, or anything else and not be sad that I am no longer part of the group. I am trying to figure out how to deal with the transition- how close do we keep in touch, do I start pulling away to make this easier, do I work harder? I suppose once I start working a natural path will work itself out.

The good news is I have a place to start here. I have a couple friends who also moved to this area who I have leaned on so far. I have friends from college, from many years ago, who I am hoping to reconnect with. And in just a little while I will try a new church, a place where I hope to find a new community that will support me as my last church did. I'm off to a good start, and I have one more week to enjoy the exploration, transition, and reflection of these moments before I am thrown headfirst into internship. It's a great time.

There's no place like home...

I am full into the pre-move adventure. I have said goodbye for now to many people. Some of them it is goodbye until my next visit to town, or one visit in the future, or even a visit they will make to Dallas. They are not likely to be goodbye forever, but they are still unknown. There is the promise of keeping in touch, of course. Still, it is sad to leave so many wonderful people who have supported me on this journey. With each lunch, dinner, hug, wish of luck, I become more emotional about the departure. Today my parents visited to help me with some projects, and as we drove through town I began to look at landmarks that have shaped my time here- schools that I helped, the clinic where I learned child therapy, restaurants where I spent time with friends, and so on. As we stopped in our favorite store to look one more time at Aggie merchandise, one new shirt caught my eye and became my last symbol of my love for my school and my home for the last four years (and nearly 8 years of my life). As it says on the bottom, there's no place like home.

(picture gone from website.. oh well!)

Tomorrow I will spend one last Sunday with my church community who has been my home away from school, and I hope I am able to share my appreciation with as many of them as possible for all they have done for me. Over the next week, I will finish packing, complete coursework, finish my job, and make dissertation progress. And, of course, there will be the last of the goodbye-for-nows. I am excited about what is to come, and have started making plans for my time post-move, but for now I am swept up in the emotion of the end of this journey. I just hope that, in this last week, I am able to treasure every moment with so many wonderful people.

Disney to Dallas!

Last week I went on a wonderful vacation with my family. My mom, grandma, cousin Nancy, and I spent 7 days at Walt Disney World, following my mom's carefully planned agenda nearly to perfection (thank you, storm, for ruining my chance to see Fantasmic). While I have been to Disneyland in California a couple dozen times (no exaggeration) since I was a baby, it does not compare to a week living entirely within the Disney property, a bubble where everything is accessible by bus or monorail and everyone smiles, waves, and high-fives you (often wearing a Mickey Mouse glove) and tells you to "have a magical day". Many people don't understand why we chose to spend a week just at Disney parks when there are other things to do in the area, but they aren't my family. Disney has been part of my family since my mom was a child and her family collected ride tickets before there was one ticket for admission. So many stories, jokes, and memories in my life revolve around Disneyana in a way that made me sure that we could spend a week there with no problem. Sure enough, it was a fun time, full of laughs, thrills, and happiness. The parks were as fascinating as I had hoped, and sharing them with my family made them that much better. It was so hard to leave the last day, and it was even harder to leave my family and come home. I have posted my best pictures elsewhere, but below are a couple in case anyone hasn't seen them yet.

The globe from my favorite show, IllumiNations, on the lake at Epcot

Mickey and Minnie in front of Cinderella's castle at the Magic Kingdom

My family in front of the Tree of Life at Animal Kingdom- me, Mom, Nancy, and Grandma

I returned from Florida Sunday, and home Monday. After a busy workweek, I have finally turned my focus on the move. After some discussion, delays, and kerfuffle (my word of June, stolen from a friend), I have reserved a truck, recruited friends to help me load, found a friend to drive the truck, recruited family to unload the truck, and am finally sorting things so I can pack. In a month I will be working, and in two weeks I will be moving. I have two homework assignments, one test, one report revision, and one report translation until my coursework is complete. (We won't discuss the dissertation today.) I have started my goodbye lunches and am planning other gatherings. I am selling my extra furniture.

I am both excited and panicking.

I suppose that's why I'm awake. The panicking part, mostly. It's all overwhelming, sometimes. I haven't moved to a completely new city since I was in the Peace Corps 11 years ago, though I suppose I've at least visited this one. I have to work right up until the move, so I'm trying to balance everything. It's a good overwhelming- it's a new adventure, and I'm ready for it. I just hope the next two weeks all work as planned so that I start that adventure on the right foot!

Life was easier at Disney World :)

It's becoming real.

Monday I made the trip to Dallas to find a home. I have been waiting for the time that was optimal for getting an apartment when I needed one- except for my move to graduate school, most of my moves were of more immediate need- and on Monday I didn't have class or a social event so the stars were aligned.

Driving to Dallas had a new feel to it. The last time I made this trip was for my interview. On that day I was tired and unfocused, and I paid just enough attention to my surroundings to get to my motel room and then my interview. On this drive, I approached the city as someone ready to soak in her new home. I watched for the major highways and landmarks, thinking about how I would get to neighboring cities and to events in town. I tried to get a feel for the city- did it feel like a place I would grow to love?

The apartment search itself did not go as planned. The complex I had selected had pet restrictions that my precious Jenny did not meet. Fortunately, the office staff was eager to suggest other complexes in the area (owned by their parent agency) within my budget that were more accepting of big-boned canines. I immediately went after the one that was most affordable. Even though it was four miles away, I realized I was a stranger to this city, and I examined my surroundings carefully to see if this was an area I felt comfortable in, had favorable amenities... could be home. The drive went well and I didn't see any warning signs. The complex itself felt good to me too, so I took a chance that this would be a suitable place to live for the next year.

So now I have an address in Dallas, and it has made everything feel real. To add to it, I saw today that my current home is no longer advertised online as for rent. So, ready or not, I have to move on the weekend of July 16th. Classes done, dissertation as far as I can get it, house packed.

In 38 days I will live in Dallas, and in 54 days I will be a predoctoral intern. Whoa.

My new home (took a quick snap of the building, didn't figure out which apartment)

Saying goodbye?

In 41 days I leave this city. The goodbyes, I think, have begun. But have they? In this transitional period I am constantly reflecting on my friendships that I have made over the last four years. I have been fortunate enough to attend two beautiful weddings, and, as with every summer, so come the pool parties, movie nights, and other social events. With each one, I am looking around at the people I see and wondering what will come of the future.

Graduate school is, by its nature, transient. We all move to this small city knowing that in four or so years we will leave it again. We come not knowing anyone, yet we leave with special friendships. Unfortunately, we can't take those people with us to our new homes when we graduate and move on with life. It's what I call the necessary evil of this process.

My first event of the summer has now happened with people who wished me well with the next phase of my life; later this week, I say farewell to two other friends who are leaving for their own journey. I imagine the next 41 days will continue on this way until I drive away from this home and to my new one. Many of you reading this will say farewell to me during this time. So to you, and the others, I will be wondering-

What kind of goodbye is this?

Were you my friend on this stop on the journey, fading away over time?

Or,

Are you my friend for the whole journey, no matter where our paths take us?

Whatever the outcome, I thank my friends for the support, the fun, and the love. Every person made a difference to me.

Anniversaries

I mentioned this somewhat in my last post, but it's been the theme of the last couple weeks in many conversations. The last two weeks have been filled with anniversaries. Two of them are particularly tragic. On May 4, 2010, we lost my uncle Eddie, and on May 14, 1983 we lost my uncle Tommy, as well as some of his friends, in a tragic car accident. There are also happy anniversaries. On May 9, 2009 I met my dog Jenny, and four days later she came home. On May 13, 2000 I graduated with my bachelor's degree. On May 10, 2010 I left for my amazing trip for Queretaro, Mexico (and I could mark important dates on that trip).

So why are these dates important? They take you back in time. There is something about knowing you have reached an anniversary that transports you to your memories. With the happy memories, it's been a lot of fun reminiscing. I have enjoyed talking about my "Jennyversary" and remarking on how she has grown and changed over two years. She is as close to a child as I have, and there is a pride to being her mother and seeing her personality come out. I have also looked back fondly over my time in Queretaro, a trip that helped me grow so much as a person. A year after my visit, I can see how much Mexico did for me and how much I want to experience it again.

For the happiness of these anniversaries, the anniversaries of the losses of Eddie and Tommy have brought sadness to my family. They bring you back to the time of the loss- how you found out, what the circumstances were, and what that loss felt like. For Eddie, the sadness was seen everywhere because it is so new. It was natural to focus on that last week, and everything in this past year that we wanted him here for, and what life would be like now with him around. Tommy's death was before I understood what death was- I was only four, so it's hard for the date to connect with me the way it does with my family, but I know how special he was and how everyone still misses him.

On one hand, the good anniversaries have been a wonderful time for reflection. On the other, the anniversaries of the losses of my uncles just made me feel a deep sadness for my family. I wish all anniversaries could be treated the same way- cherishing the best memories from the past and honoring how they affected the present. So in this month, I want to think about how much fun I had with Eddie, from games as a child, trips to Disneyland at all ages, and always laughing and smiling. And I had precious little time with Tommy, but I remember the piggyback rides, and the stories I hear about him are incredible. I will always be sad that they are gone, but I will always be thankful that they were in my life.

And now life moves forward, with more events that will lead to more anniversaries. May we treasure them all, and treasure each other.

Jenny

Queretaro, Mexico, May 10, 2010

Me and Eddie at Disneyland, 2007

Looking back, looking forward, living in the moment

I haven't written in a long time. I had expected to chronicle the rest of the internship interviews, then the decision to rank, and finally the excitement of matching. I did start writing about it more than once, but the process often became so busy and intense that the words were never completed. So suddenly here I am at the end of April at a completely different place. Right now, and for the next couple months, life is about looking back, while looking forward, and making sure I enjoy every moment in the present.

The internship match process was very successful for me. I ended up at a place that on paper had many things to offer, but wasn't necessarily the experience I was looking for. When I interviewed, though, I immediately connected with the staff, and I knew that I would have a wonderful experience there. Matching in Dallas was the right thing for me (those complex mathematical formulas really do know what they're doing). The experiences will round me out as a school psychologist, and will give me chance to really use my Spanish and my bilingual education background to make a difference. I have also realized that, despite the fact that Dallas is new to me, I do have a small support system there, one that keeps growing as other friends have recently been hired in the city. I am content, and I am excited.

So there is a lot of looking forward. I am cleaning house and watching it go up for rent, and I have a new place in mind once I can make a trip to visit and sign a lease. I have done employment paperwork. I am ready to be on internship and making a difference. I am even starting to think further at my first job and my career direction. It's an exciting time.

At the same time, it is a time to look back. There are two parts to this. There is the obvious part- the ending of my time in graduate school. I have been here nearly four years. I have made so many lifelong friends and have wonderful memories. As each event happens, I am struck that it is one of the last, and nostalgia is beginning to set in. At church, as we prepare for a new minister, I recognize that I will probably say goodbye before this new era of church life begins, and I think of what my little sanctuary has meant to me. My monthly gatherings with friends from a school I worked at will end in a month- I will miss the beer and washers. Emails come about practica and organizations opportunities, and I must say no because while I have loved the experiences, my time has come. It is a mixed feeling- happy to have had the experiences, and will miss them, but it is time to move on, and that has always been part of the arrangement. A few days ago two friends were talking about their research, which is in my interest area. I told them, "I wish I could help you with that", to which one replied, "No you don't! You want to get out of here!" I do want to help, but I am also ready to go. It is becoming real, though, that I am leaving some wonderful people.

It is also a time to think back to where I was a year ago. It is nearly a year since my uncle's death, and it is already weighing heavy on my family. He is still so missed, and always will be. This first anniversary will be difficult. It is also almost a year since I went to Mexico. The time between Eddie's decline and my flight to Queretaro were painful and chaotic, and then my three weeks away brought peace and magic. For some reason, for the past few weeks I have been yearning to get back to Mexico. I know I can't afford it and don't have the time yet, but I'll go back again. It's a place I know I'll spend a lot more time in the future once life gets settled.

So, through all of the looking back and looking forward I am trying to enjoy my present with my friends and family. I admit, it's sometimes hard to focus on classwork and my dissertation, but I know they are important final steps. I also have some wonderful final events. Three dear friends are getting married in the next month (two to each other!), and I am looking forward to helping them celebrate. I am also anxiously awaiting a family trip to Disney World with the most wonderful women in my life. There are also many smaller moment in between- visits from friends who moved away, game nights, dinners, parties, and as much fun as I can get into my last moments here.

There is much to do before I begin internship in three months. It is a time to tie up loose ends and prepare for the future, while reflecting on what has been and enjoying my time with friends. Most importantly, it's a time to realize I have a lot to be grateful for. If you are reading this, you probably helped me get here, so thank you!

The Internship Interviewapalooza- the Interstate Half

The first half of internship interviews is done. I went to 11 airports in 11 days (Houston (Bush), Minneapolis, Bloomington, Atlanta, Houston (Hobby), New Orleans, Tampa, Norfolk, Chicago, Omaha, Denver). There was a 35 hour period where I was at home in between the trips (that doesn't include driving to Houston to get to the airport). I had two trips through the TSA body scanner, but no pat downs.

I'd count the time I was in airports and on airplanes, but it would make me sad. I officially went to four cities, for four interviews (which means four hotels, each a different chain). I actually interviewed 13 different times, each time for a half hour. Sometimes these were each for separate sites; three of these were for the same site; one was with the director overseeing a group of sites. From those interviews I have 10 prospective internship sites.

So that's the numbers. It was a fun, if not exhausting, week and a half. I went to four different parts of the country. Three cities, and geographic areas, were completely new to me. I saw the Mississippi River and the Atlantic Ocean. I ate regional cuisine- crawfish etoufee in New Orleans, rockfish in Virginia Beach, and steak in Omaha (I have no idea what would have been considered regional cuisine in central Illinois...). I also was lucky to have one city that friends had moved to, so I was able to see how I could make that city work for my personality and lifestyle. It was almost a vacation, except I didn't have time to see most of the sights in the cities that I wanted to see because I was spending my days in pesky interviews. It was more like a vacation sampler- a taste of many places, just enough to get the feel for them. Each city has its advantages. Bloomington, Illinois is a pretty generic mid-sized college town, similar to where I am now. It is within driving distance from cities that I have always wanted to see, like Chicago and St. Louis. I also interviewed for internships in rural towns nearby, as well as ones in Chicago. New Orleans is a city I have visited before and love. It has a culture all its own, and I always have a wonderful time there. Of course, working there would be very different, but the culture is still there. Virginia Beach has, of course, a wonderful beach. It has just enough of an urban feel to be lively, and with larger cities nearby and a large military presence, it is the best mix of beach life and city living I have seen. Omaha is big city living surrounded by lots of corn :) It has a great downtown area with shops, restaurants, and galleries. I didn't expect a city like that in the middle of the country. And yes, it's cold.

So those are the places I could live next year. Of course, the internship sites matter too. I had great interviews everywhere. Each site, though, offers something different. I won't bore those who aren't in my field, but ultimately I have to figure out what experiences I most want from my internship year and which site will give me the best training. It's a harder decision than it seems.

The next two weeks I finish interviews closer to home. I have a phone interview with a site in Tallahassee, Florida tomorrow. Then I travel three times to the Dallas area and one time to the Houston area. These areas, at least I am familiar with.

After this is done, this is what happens next (for those who I haven't explained it to yet- I looked back and I only briefly explained it in September). I take my list of sites that I interviewed at and I rank them by preference. If there is a site I know I couldn't work for, I can leave them off my list and I won't be placed there. I submit my ranked list online by February 9th. At the same time, each internship site rank lists everyone they interviewed that they are willing to take as an intern. After all lists are submitted, interns and sites are matched together. I don't know exactly how it works, and I know some of it involves computers. I just know that it works, and on February 25th I'll get an email telling me where I will be working next year. It's a unique process, shared by psychology students and medical students. Not the most fun process for sure. Let's just hope it works.

I'll blog again in two weeks with my final thoughts on interviews, and maybe some hints as to what my rankings will look like. For now, a photo from the journey...was too cold to play in the ocean, but at least I could see it from my hotel room!