Weight

Along this journey, there is often a feeling of weight.  As spring draws near, the weight can feel heavier than ever.

As I enter each workday, I have the weight of my schools.  I have children who need me to be at my best to give them the best guidance possible.  As the year goes on, my caseload has increased, and so have the problems they face.  I cherish the relationships I have built with my children and the adults who work with them and love what I do for them, but the work is a challenge.  At the end of every day I feel their burdens transferred to me.

As I end each workday, I have the weight of my dissertation, and the impending end of my graduate education.  What once was a far-off deadline is now nearing, and in order to meet all of my goals it needs to be done soon.  I have put a lot of pressure on myself, because I believe in following through, especially with something as critical as this.  It's hard to get things accomplished when work is taking part of me, but the end goal is in sight.  The paper feels like a weight on my shoulder, but it will be soon lifted.

As I go through every day, I have the weight of my future.  There are constant reminders that when all of this is done my career begins.  A coworker asks me if I want to stay in the district.  An email comes from my program director with a job opportunity.  A friend in a related field gets a job offer.  Do I know what I want to do?  Have my job interests changed this year?  While I've learned a lot this year about what is best for my career and training, I also have many ideals and goals.  How will this come together into my next job?  Where will I be living?  It's hard to wait and not think about such a major decision.

And somewhere in between, there are the other weights of life, of housework and bills and finding time for friends and the dog.  And the weight of being weighted down, and knowing I must take care of myself so that a few pounds here and there are lifted.  Some days I do better than others.  I just remind myself that these weights are not permanent, and that, brick by brick, life keeps going.

Gettin' my mojo back

You know how they say, or sing, you don't know what you've got til it's gone?  Well, I had a revelation yesterday.  I've been missing part of my mojo.  Not to say things have been bad, or I've been down, or anything like that.  It's been a good year... but I go to work, come home, and am exhausted.  I do take care of myself, of course, trying to get sleep (despite the eyetwitch that says I can do better) and go out when I can.  I don't have a lot to complain about.

Yesterday, though, I was leaving work, and realized I was really happy.  I was about to see a good friend for the first time in months, I was finally looking at potential job opportunities, and I had ended the workweek on some really positive notes.  I was driving out of the parking lot with a smile on my face.  Then I realized I hadn't felt this way about life in a long time.  Truly content with where I was and where I was going.  I've been working, and enjoying it, but my mojo, my joie de vivre (I am terrible with French, but I googled it to be sure), my SuperLisa-ness... it's just been a little off.

So, now that I am getting my mojo back, what does that mean?  First, I need to regain my focus on the end goal.  No more excuses.  Dissertation work gets done, even if I'm not in the mood or tired.  There is no more time to be lazy.  If I am too tired, well, I have to figure out why, and try to get some energy back, so I don't waste time.  I have dropped out of one church activity due to lack of energy and having things to do- I either need to use that time wisely, or go back to being active in something that I was enjoying.  I should reach out to a few more friends, too, and be better about emailing some people.

Getting my mojo back means not just living, but being happy and excited about life.  Knowing I can accomplish my goals and achieving my dreams.  I haven't felt that fire in quite awhile, but I need to hang onto it.  There are things to be done, goals to be met, successes to be had.  I can do it.  I will do it.  Let's go.  *puts on cape and flies away*