Week 16- The storm, and the calm

It was a hard week.  I'm not sure why- were the kids more excitable than usual because of the upcoming week off, are the adults crankier because they are tired, or is my caseload has just gotten more interesting?  I think all of the above, really.  My schools felt more frantic, and there were more discipline problems.  The teachers and administrators were frustrated with their students, and I heard comments directed at students I work with (and read emails) that were laced with emotion that seemed unnecessary when addressing young people who we are charged with helping.  And my kids, they are full of inner turmoil, and my heart kept breaking for them.  I'm not good yet at separating myself from my job- I take their issues home with me and worry about them and how they will cope until I see them again.  After one day, I spent the drive home in tears over a new child whose story I couldn't get out of my head.  I know someday I won't be so sensitive- but at the same time I want to be sensitive enough that I do my best work.

After two days of miserable sleep, I woke up today and did something that is always therapeutic for me.  I found a place where I could walk, take pictures, and enjoy nature.  Nature photography is very soothing for me.  Just being in the quiet spaces alone is enough, away from the chaos.  The photography helps me focus on the beauty around me.  Whether it's a single flower, an anomaly in a scene, or a breathtaking landscape, the time I spend capturing whatever has my attention keeps my wandering mind away from my stress and onto what moves and inspires me.

The photos below are a few of my favorites from today's trip to the Dallas Arboretum, a botanical garden and landscape off White Rock Lake.  It is still decorated for fall, with pumpkins lining many walkways and structures, and a pumpkin village.  The flowers and trees reflect the fall colors, and I was amazed at the number of flowers in bloom.  It's a stunning place- and many people agreed, as it was quite crowded by the time I left, filled with families taking fall and Christmas pictures and couples taking engagement pictures.  It was hard to pick out a few to post (I took a LOT).  The full gallery is at my Photobucket album.

Fall Flowers:

Pumpkin Fun:

Landscapes:

Anomalies

Week 15- Change. It's a good thing.

This was, or is becoming, a week for change.  Some good, some not as good, some to be decided.  But on the whole, I felt that I learned more about myself and my priorities.  In chronological order....

1. I will not be following through with NaNoWriMo this year.  I love the concept, but I wasn't feeling well a couple days, and then I just didn't want to rush to get back into it.  I love writing, and want to finish what I started, but I'm too controlling with my work to just write feverishly to meet the goal.  I want to get to know the character I created on day one, figure out where she's going and why.  Hopefully this will be the year I finally write my novel.  I've been wanting to write one ever since I was a child, and the story I have started would give  a new voice to the children I work with.  Wish me luck.

2. I spent half of my week in workshops, away from my kids.  It was strange being away from them, and I missed my work a lot.  At the same time, I was part of many conversations about my "old" interest topics- my passions that don't always fit well with my internship.  School improvement, systems change, educational interventions.  It made me think a lot about where I want my career to go- do I want to focus on mental health, move back toward an educational focus, or do it all.  I suppose I can't be especially picky at entry-level, and I don't start looking for jobs until spring, but it was good to be faced with some of my other career interests and reflect.  In the end, though, I just love helping kids and making their lives better, and it was so nice to be back at work.

3. I chopped off a bunch of hair :)  I'd been deliberating it for weeks, and I'm so glad I went through with it.  I realized that I am very conservative in this area of my life- the fact that I suddenly have clearly unnatural blonde highlights around my face is still taking some adjusting- but I am trying to let go and enjoy it.  

4. Actually, this one could have been third, but it's the most in process one.  I'm exploring vegetarianism.  It's an idea that's been in my head off and on for years- I love animals, and I am not thrilled by the idea of eating them.  Meat is everywhere, though, and it's culturally what we do, and it sure is delicious.  I've never been able to eat meat that still is in its original form- can't eat raw crawfish, or pick a lobster out of a tank, or eat anything that's staring or smiling at me.  Overall, though, I've mostly done okay, though I've never been a huge meat-eater to begin with.  The last few weeks, though, I've felt a shift.  I read a couple articles, talked to a couple people, and for the first time felt like change was something I might actually commit to at some point.  I hadn't made any firm decisions though.  It's just easier to follow the status quo, and I'm not one to shake thing up.

On Friday, I went to the store and picked up one of those pre-cooked chickens they sell at the front of the store.  I came home, ready to eat.  I opened the top, looked at the whole bird, and it all just hit me.  I didn't see dinner, I saw the animal, and I became extremely upset.  I've never had more of a visceral reaction to food before, and it took me so off guard I didn't know what to do.  I told myself that since it was there, I should try to eat it, but pulling the meat off, and then eating it, just felt terrible. I lost my appetite.

A change happened Friday that I didn't expect, and I'm looking into the realities of eliminating meat from my diet.  I don't eat much at home anyway, and I think I can easily find foods to eat to replace anything I do eat.    I've heard it's best to do it gradually anyway.  As for being out, I think it's getting easier to make it work.  With the holidays coming up, well, we'll see how it works out.  I may not make the full transition right away.  I did have some ground beef (in a taco salad) last night, and I was okay eating it, but cooking it felt odd.  In the end, this will depend on me, and what I end up finding acceptable.  Maybe this is passing, but it didn't feel passing. It felt like a deep shift in my morality, something I've never quite experienced before.  

So that is my week...I learned a lot about myself, and am curious what awaits...

Week... 14? Or, holy cow, how is this year going by so fast?

Three months of internship, done.  Halloween is over and November is here.  As our department head told us today, there are 10 school days left until Thanksgiving, and after that 15 school days until Christmas.  We have been told to start preparing for our first evaluation (which takes place at the end of the month).  The first applications are coming in for next year's internship, and we are discussing how interviews will work.  I have a feeling that the next two months will fly by even faster.  Next thing you know I will be finishing my dissertation and job hunting.  Yay, yet eek.

I can see how I'm growing out here, and it's exciting, but I'll write more later.  My head has been hurting for a couple days, both impeding my journal writing, dissertation writing, and unfortunately my NaNoWriMo writing.  Hoping to get some sleep and get back on track this weekend.  

Just wanted to celebrate the milestone and check in with my friends and family!