A title change?

I have decided my blog needs a title change. I set this up as I was leaving for grad school and wanted to chronicle this time of transition. But now I want it to be more than that, and I think the title needs to reflect that. So I went searching for quotes, and found the one below:

"Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."

It's from Hans Christian Andersen, and it took some searching, but I found the story that it comes from. It's actually a sad story about a butterfly, but this quote expresses the lesson he learns at the end. I think they reflect my personality and my view of life well, freedom, sunshine, and the little flower. I think I will work with this quote to create a new title :)

Celebrations

Yesterday was a day for celebrations in my little corner of the world. In the evening I went to the wedding of my classmate Andrew, aka my bratty little grad school brother, to his sweet fiancee Liz. It was a beautiful ceremony and reception- well, except when the DJ showed his lack of musical sensibilities by singing such wedding classics as "Ring of Fire" and "Your Cheatin' Heart". It was a great time, with great friends, and I was happy to be part of it.

Meanwhile, up in Alaska, one of my best friends from childhood was getting married. We have only recently gotten back in touch, but I was still wishing her well from afar.

Finally, my friend Cristina, a good friend from my teaching years in San Antonio, gave birth to her daughter Liberty yesterday afternoon. I know how happy Cristina and Ryan are to give Ryan's son, Aaron, a little sister and make their family complete. I can't wait to go down and meet her.

I could, since this is my journal, write about my feelings about my own status, my future... but I don't want to. It's not about me this weekend. So congratulations to Andrew and Liz, Daniella and Ray, and Cristina, Ryan, and Aaron!

A little side trip

The last few days have reminded me what happens when you choose to play first and work later. Okay, so I couldn't have predicted my first severe migraine in 10 years, one that is still weakening me 48 hours later. But now I'm running up against deadlines and I'm sure I'll suffer next week. But until then, I'll keep resting and recovering, and do a little sharing.

Last week Grandma and I went to the Japanese garden in Los Angeles. It was truly spectacular, the way everything was perfectly planned out. The layout, the lines, the flow, the plants... every angle was something new. Below are a few of my favorite things from the garden.

California Reflections

There's no better time to catch up with blogging than when both of your tvs stop working. Well, it's encouragement, anyway.

I've struggled with how to write about my California trip. It was, for the most part, what I expected. It was the opposite of Mexico. It was familiarity, it was calm, it was security. I also went with the anticipation of some sadness. So part of my lack of writing was due to just not knowing what to write about. Part was due to wanting the trip to end so I could have some perspective. Part was frustration over the wireless connection I was using, but I could have worked around it.

So now I have perspective, and free time. First, there were some highlights to the trip. I have already posted about the Santa Barbara trip. In a more unusual event, my grandma, her friend, and I went to a free concert in the park, featuring the 80s band Wang Chung. Among the sights were people over 50 dancing and a streaker. My grandma said I should write about the concert as a cultural event; it would make an interesting discussion, I agree. Another highlight was the midnight showing of Toy Story 3 that we attended, so we could see it together before I left town, that we attended with a crowd of almost all teenagers. The other big highlight was going with two of my grandma's friends to a Dodger game, my first in many years, and definitely the best seats I've ever had. A nailbiter of a game, too. Mostly, the good times were talking, and walking the dog, and meeting and spending time with friends of my grandma and of our family. Because really, that was why I was there.

I was also hoping to have some sort of peace regarding my uncle Eddie's death in May. I wasn't able to be there when he died, because of school and Mexico, and it was hard to be so far away from him and my family. And I knew I'd never fully deal with everything until I was there, at the house. It was hard that first night- looking through his Dodgers caps so I could wear one to the game, putting my things in the bathroom that is no longer set up for his needs, and then actually sleeping in his room. That was the biggest challenge, because it didn't seem right when it first came up, but then I began accepting that it was okay. We talked about him a lot, almost always focusing on the best things about him. We talked about his fighting spirit, his fearlessness, and how much he had touched everyone around him. I finally got to see the many signs that the nurses, the members of the Eddie Walters Fan Club, had made for him and hung in his room those last days. Those made me cry. I also got to look through some shirts that my grandma had set aside, ones that she thought would have meaning for family members, and I picked out a few that also fit my personality, that were his humor and mine, or that just made me think of him and smile.

Over all of the good memories and love, there was still that feeling that he left us too soon that will never go away. So many things that he only wore once. So many things he was excited about that had just begun. He had so much more living to do, and it hurts that he didn't get to do it. It hurts thinking about not only his death, but the injury that started everything so many years ago. It hurts that our family has dealt with more than its fair share of tragedy. But thinking about Eddie also reminds me how to focus on life, how to be positive, and how to love. Eddie never focused on the tragedies, even though he could have and everyone would have understood. Instead, he just became a stronger person, and lived as hard as he could. He left too soon, but he was here, and I was lucky enough to be his niece.

So I left California with some peace over losing Eddie and missing his last days, and I had my needed time with my grandma. I had initially called this trip closure, but it's not, because I'm not closing anything. I am moving forward, but Eddie will always be a part of my life. And with his inspiration, I am ready to face the world.

New Look, Travel, and Photography

Blogger created some new options, so my blog has a new look, one that is much more reflective of me and my outlook. I'd love to have one of my own photographs on here, but I don't think there is a way to do that. Enjoy the new look.

And while I am sharing, two things I have wanted to post. I picked up National Geographic Traveler to read on my flight to California. I read this article about what it is like to leave a new place, and I felt like it beautifully stated my feelings about leaving Mexico, and I thought my other traveler friends would appreciate it. Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Second, there is a travel photography contest in the magazine, details here. I'm not sure that I'm quite that good yet, but I've gotten some good feedback on my photography. But I do have a question. Which of my photographs is the best, which could I actually frame, or enter in a contest? I have some in my blogs, and my full Mexico album is at http://s16.photobucket.com/albums/b19/aggieteacher00/Queretaro%20Mexico%202010/. Please leave feedback here and not on Facebook, so I don't loose track of it.

Think it's a good time to get offline and enjoy some California sun! Posting another photo below from yesterday's mission visit.

Home Sweet California

I've been in California for four days now, and haven't posted once. This may seem surprising given my constant blogging over the last month. The first day or two, I was trying to make a post that involved some pictures, but the connection I had been trying to use was extremely slow so I kept coming on, waiting, and then giving up. I've now abandoned that post for now (but I will post it, since it not about a date in particular, just an idea). As for the bigger picture of why I am here, I think I'm going to post about it at the end of my trip. There are a lot of random scattered things on my mind, about family, life, school, the future (not in that particular order) and it's hard to formulate them into a succinct concept right now. So I'm just kind of floating along, enjoying the company of my grandmother and the comforts of my second home.

I do want to comment on today though. I went with my grandmother and her friend to Santa Barbara, first to see the mission, then to see the beach. I am still so close to my Mexico trip that the parallels between my day in Santa Barbara and my day trips to San Miguel de Allende or Guajanuato are obvious. Driving through the mountains to a beautiful city, then seeing a church built by Spaniards and taking lots of pictures. The man who was responsible for the California missions, Junipero Serra, began his work in Queretaro at a church that I toured. So while clearly I was not in Mexico, the feeling was comforting, and the mission was beautiful. The visit to the ocean afterward clearly bore no resemblance to anything I did in Mexico, but being near the water always feels like home. I didn't have a lot of time there, but I walked, alone, and took in the water.

Because of the connection I am on pictures will be limited (I will catch up later), but below are two photos, one from the mission and one from the beach.

Not bloggable

This is the first night that I've desperately wanted to write but not been able to. At least, not in the way that I have been over the last month. Some things just aren't suitable for blogging. Tonight, for example, I'm thinking about a professional matter that I can't post about publicly. I could talk in generalities, about my emotions, for example. But I can't post about what actually happened, because, well it's not the public's business. Professionalism has already come up with my Mexico trip- note that I never used actual names when talking about my school visits. This will be especially important when doing work in schools or clinics locally. There have been other topics that I have realized are off limits. Anything negative about people that could get back to them. Not that I am a gossip, or I have lots of problems with anyone. But again, it's an area that has to be dealt with in generalizations. The other big area that is off limits is, of course, the opposite sex. I will not be posting about anyone I am interested in without their approval. Though I am sure a rant about dating in Bryan/College Station when you are over 30 will be coming sooner or later. It won't mention any names, most likely (though I can't help it if certain people recognize themselves in my descriptions, or think I'm talking about them when I'm really not).

There are also the little things- the hopes for the future, the cautious optimisms, the things I just want to hold inside until I am ready to share them with the world. Those are the non-bloggables that are much more fun. Hoping tomorrow I have those instead...

Peace Corps Belize, 10 Years Later

On this date ten years ago, I boarded a plane for Belize along with 27 other Peace Corps trainees. I expected it to be a two year tour, but after four months I decided to leave my service and return home. In the last ten years I have spent a lot of time thinking about my four months in Belize, my decision to leave early, and what it all meant.

It's interesting how something so significant has become almost a footnote in my life. Many people have no idea I was a Peace Corps volunteer. In some ways it is my own choice- by telling people I served, I will end up revealing how short my service was, which then leads to the question of why I didn't stay. For a long time I didn't want to talk about that part of the story. Not because there was any sort of traumatic event, not because I was hurting by anything that happened there. I just didn't want to feel like a failure, and Peace Corps was the first thing I ever quit. To add to the emotional confusion I felt when talking about it, people's first reaction has always been to be impressed, to tell me how brave I was, and it was hard to follow that up with the revelation that I quit. It just all seemed too complicated to have to go into it all.

So now it is ten years later, and I am clearly not the 21 year old that I was when I boarded that plane in Miami with dreams of seeing the world and bringing hope to the third world. The good news is that I have made peace with the 22 year old who boarded the plane home that October. Was it the right decision? I suppose I'll never know for sure, because I don't know how my situation would have progressed, but I do see why I was so unhappy with my assignment and why returning home to be a teacher seemed like a great way to make a difference. I finally have stopped feeling like a failure for leaving. Instead, I would like to use my 10th anniversary to share with everyone the memories I treasure most.

1. My host families. In June I lived with the Santos family- Elvis, Amparo, and their sons Elvis and Kirsten (don't ask, I didn't name them). I loved village live in San Joaquin, where I was accepted as one of their own. My second host family, Karen and her son (whose name has escaped me) who had cerebral palsy in a country that had no supports for special needs children, so he stayed at home all day in front of the tv. I didn't care for Belize City, but I loved Karen and her son, even when I was having to eat the cuisine of that part of the country (pig tail soup anyone?). Below is a photo of me with the younger Elvis.

2. My first view of the third world. In our first week of training, we went in pairs to poor villages. I went to Billy White, a small farming village where children attended school when they were not needed on the farm or at home, and where there was only one phone line for everyone. The people were good, kind, hardworking people. Below is a photo of the family we got to know that day.



3. My favorite places. I loved Corozal, the quiet northern coastal town where the San Joaquin crew went to relax. I loved the jungles, and climbing the Mayan ruin of Lamanai where we sat and heard howler monkeys. I loved the hills of San Ignacio and the western region toward Guatemala. But nothing will ever top the day that we took a boat to Goff's Caye to celebrate the completion of training, and had an island to ourselves.



4. Hurricane Keith. Just before I was supposed to leave Belize, a hurricane hit Belize. We were stranded in Peace Corps headquarters for two days while Keith sat on top of us. We were safe, but rivers flooded and damaged some of the poorest parts of the country. The newspaper headline below refers to Orange Walk, the town that I lived in (fortunately, I did not live near the river).



My full photo album is here. There really were some great experiences, and I'm glad I went, even if the ultimate assignment wasn't what I had hoped. Now that I have finally had another chance to live abroad, with my recent trip to Mexico, I realize not only how much I have changed and matured, but how much I still want to try living abroad in a place and with a situation that fits me better. Something about Mexico felt right in a way that Belize, for all its beauty, never did. So maybe 10 years has been long enough to make me ready for my next adventure.

Beauty in my own backyard

Being in another place has opened me up to looking for beauty at home as well. Looking for colors in flowers, patterns in trees (I have to say, I can't find much in the architecture yet, but I'm still trying). I sat for awhile this morning in my own yard, listening the birds and watching the butterflies, while Jenny sunbathed. It was very peaceful, and if it weren't for the mosquitoes I could have enjoyed it all morning. I took a few pictures too, to see what beauty I could find in my own nature.

Past, present, and future

Life is back to normal now, I think. I've been to the clinic to wrap up my job that ended while I was away. I met with my advisor and planned my summer of dissertation writing. I have paid bills and made phone calls and dealt with "things".

I've also talked about Mexico. When people see me first I hear about my new tan, and then they ask how the trip was. And I don't know how to answer, besides to smile and say "amazing" or "awesome". I really want to say "see my blog and photo album, or give me an hour to talk". Because it wasn't just a trip, and it can't be described so quickly. Yesterday I went to Dr. McCormick's office to bring her my pictures, and we started looking at them, and talking and laughing, and the light that I felt inside was so strong. We talked about places, and people, and little stories that haven't made it into blogs or pictures quite yet, but are what make events like these so special. It was good for my soul.

This is a confusing place to be, living in the present but not really in the present. Much of what I have to do now is focused on the past (wrapping up work from the spring) and some are focused on the present (writing my dissertation proposal, planning for the class I am teaching in July). Meanwhile, I am still wanting to live in the memories of my trip. Plus, in five days I am traveling to California- that trip is both the past and future at once, as I am going as a result of my uncle's death last month. I'm just trying to go with the flow, do what feels right, and ride the wave. Eventually it'll all make sense.

Culture shock

I knew returning home would be a shock in some way. It's now been 48 hours, so I'm better understanding what culture shock means to me. It's a two-part shock, part culture, part lifestyle.

The culture part has been interesting. It took about 24 hours for my brain to go back to mostly English thinking (though I still switch back to Spanish sometimes). I was, at least yesterday, finding that I wanted to have on the Spanish radio and tv stations. And when I went grocery shopping I bought more Mexican food than any other cuisine. There was just something comforting about still being around Mexico. Hearing a song, or even just a certain note on a guitar or trumpet, could transport me back to the Plaza de las Armas; seeing a package of Gamesas at Walmart could take me to a walk along Zarzamora. Beyond that, I just found things that I really enjoy that I want to incorporate into life here (two words: aguas frescas). I even made guacamole for a Memorial Day barbecue last night, putting in what I had learned I liked (Mexican cooking lesson #1- lime juice makes everything better) and what I don't (my host mother's recipe was just peculiar). It'll be interesting to see what stays in my life and what fades, just as my memories start to fade.

Lifestyle was easy yesterday, but is harder today. Of course, yesterday I was with family and friends, while today the pressures of grad school are back. I am trying to keep the person that I was in Mexico with me here, trying so hard. And today hasn't been a bad day by any means. I've just had to work hard. It's reality. And after three weeks of being away from it all, it's not easy. Not that Mexico was a vacation, because I definitely had my trying times there too. But the crash down from the highs to where I am now is frustrating, and I have to figure out how to do what I have to do in the USA while being the happy, fun, calm, content person I finally found in Mexico. I will have to really work at it, I think. It's all about priorities...