The obligatory 2010 in review post

Christmas is over, I'm back home, and it's time to focus on interviews and the excitement of 2011. First, I'm stopping to reflect on the year that is ending, one that will leave a lot of mixed emotions.

The first thing I did in 2010 was go to California. It had originally been expected when I made the plans that Eddie would finally be well, and it would be a fun-filled vacation. Unfortunately he became ill right before Christmas, and I spent a lot of that trip visiting him in the hospital, dressed in a yellow gown and gloves, talking about his iPhone and watching tv. I will forever cherish that time with him, because they are my last memories.

I've been sitting here for awhile trying to decide what to write about Eddie. So many things have already been said, yet sometimes it never feels like I can say enough. Eddie was such a source of strength, laughter, and optimism, and losing him was and will be what we all remember about this past year. I hope that I have half of his spirit and keep it with me no matter what I face in life.

The other defining moment in 2010 was my trip to Mexico, a year delayed because of H1N1. I met amazing people and saw amazing places. More importantly, I rediscovered a lot of strength and passion in myself. I've always been interested in travel and culture, but work and life had put it aside. I've now refocused on my international interests, and am trying more actively to maintain my Spanish. More importantly, I had many reminders of how strong and independent I am, and left feeling that I can accomplish even more than I may have realized.

Of course, the theme throughout the year was illness. Migraines affected my life from January to March, and again June to August, and sinus problems started in October and led to surgery in December. The pain is difficult, of course, but the worse part is when you don't know how to solve the problem. It's frustrating when you can't function properly and don't know why, and don't know if and when you'll improve. There were so many things I wasn't able to do well enough because of my illnesses, and as someone who has a lot of pride in their work that was probably just as hard as the illnesses themselves. I am hopeful that these have passed and that I will be healthy this next year.

My year ended with a big focus on the internship application process. I learned a lot about myself and my goals. I am really passionate about helping schools, and the more I read about internship sites and wrote my essays, the more I realized the schools are where I really need to be. I have become a defender of public education, interested in making sure schools reach all children and make decisions that focus on students, not money. I love working with children, but I'm a big picture person, and I think I can make a difference. Through the process I learned that I have a lot of confidence in myself, and others believe in me. I had a lot of support, and I did well in my interview invitations.

Of course, life is not all about school. I have had great times with great friends. Many have left, as happens every year, but new friends have come too. New Orleans, Grad Camp, football games, 4th of July, Aggie Barn, game nights... lots of good times. I am thankful for everyone in my life this year. Of course, I am also so thankful for my family and the time we had together this year, which was particularly important and special this year.

So that's 2010. 2011 will be a major transition year for me, and I'm anxious and excited about it. May everyone have the 2011 they dream of!

Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and a Blog in a Pear Tree

I've been with my parents nearly a week. I'm 11 days post-op. Christmas has come and gone. It seems to be time to write again.

Christmas was, as always, a quiet, lovely day. It was just the three of us, four if you count the dog. We exchanged gifts, the usual mix of fun and practical, though given my upcoming transition mine were mostly practical (which is exactly what I wanted). We ate well, watched movies, and just had a very nice day. Christmas at my house is very simple, and we're perfectly happy with that.

My health is nearly where I want it. There are a few minor pains and headaches that I'm assuming will keep fading. I'm mostly well though, and I'm cautiously optimistic that my health is finally on the right track. I am so excited to head into the next year with full energy and focus. It was nearly a year ago that my migraines started, and I spent so much of 2010 in pain or weak that I know I wasn't able to accomplish many of my goals or live up to my full potential; more importantly, many days I just didn't have my spark, and I missed it. I am nervous that something else will happen, since of course I never saw this coming. I am trying to ignore that, though, and return to Aggieland Wednesday with a vengeance. I am back, better than ever, and ready to conquer :)

I'll be here one more day, and then head back to a week of working, New Year-ing, and interview-preparing. I am just over a week from my travels, and there is a lot to do, but I couldn't be more excited. 2011 will be a year of change, and I'm ready for it.

On this Christmas Eve

On this Christmas Eve, my mind is on health, and life, and love.

I am eight days post-op, and mostly back to normal. Two days ago I had my follow-up with my doctor, regained my breathing, smelling, and tasting, and came home for Christmas. Yesterday I went to Sea World and spent my first full day out in the world in quite a long time that I felt mostly healthy and happy. Over the last year I have had so many days when I was sick or in pain, and I am so hopeful that next year brings good health so I can reach my goals and enjoy life to the fullest. There are many wonderful things to look forward to.

Just as I was settling into this feeling of healthiness, I was awoken this morning by the news that my dog could not walk. I rushed out of bed, called her to me, and sure enough she could barely come to my room before she collapsed. Fortunately, as we suspected, it was related to the gastrointestinal issues that had started appearing in the last couple days, and as her pain subsided she began to walk and show her usual spark. I am lucky and relieved that such a scary symptom was such a simple illness. Seeing her unable to move was frightening, and I am even more thankful for the good health of those I love.

Finally, on this night, I am sad for the one person who meant so much who is not here this Christmas. I know we are all missing Eddie this year, and will every year.

So this Christmas may you be happy and healthy. May you be surrounded by the ones you love, so that you may give love and receive it just the same. May you carry in your heart those who are gone, so that they are with you still. May you feel the spirit of Christmas.

A Matter of Taste

Recovery has been mostly what I expected. Pain the first day or two, but now down to a minimum. Lots of sleeping and exhaustion, slowly improving. There is only one aspect of recovery that I didn't have the foresight to anticipate, and frankly it's bothering me more that I would have expected. I have no sense of taste.

Medically, it makes sense. There are things in place to keep my nose stable, free from infection, and whatnot. They severely limit my breathing. Therefore I can barely smell. No sense of smell=no sense of taste. I learned this is elementary school science once, I'm sure. It just wasn't my focus.

I came home after surgery, and my friend had brought me dinner. I ate the soup and tiredly talked to my friends. The next morning I also ate some crackers, and then a little later some Chef Boyardee. I even ate a brownie when my friend brought some for me. It wasn't until early afternoon, when I opened up a pint of Ben & Jerrys, that it hit me. I couldn't taste it. Not a bit. No chocolate, brownie, or fudge. It could have been vanilla for all I knew. I thought back... and I really didn't know if I had tasted my other food or not. I had been tired and in pain and just going through the motions, and I can't remember the flavors of the food I ate over that time.

So, I'm now on day 4 of having no sense of taste, and I've learned how important this sense is to humankind. Eating has lost all of its pleasure and is done purely out of necessity. When I am home, choosing food is purely about what will fill me up easiest and takes little effort. I'm definitely eating healthier, because why eat junk food when I can't get its one main benefit, its sugary and/or fatty yumminess? When I went out to lunch with friends yesterday, to a sub sandwich place, I eliminated mayonnaise and added more veggies. I was tempted to add things I never eat, like peppers and pickles, or make a strange combination, like fluffernutter with olives. I decided I wasn't quite ready, just in case I was overestimating my non-tasting powers.

While I am eating healthier, I miss the joys of eating. I have had some brief fun discovering food texture, but I never realized how much I love tasting my food. I keep thinking about pizza, cinnamon rolls, and that pint of ice cream. I want to sit with my food and savor every subtle flavor.

To wrap this up, an ode to my taste buds.

When the doctor repaired my poor face
I lost all of my sense of taste
My food is all bland
I just cannot stand
To let all this food go to waste!

My ice cream could be any kind
My cereals are undefined
My soda's like water
I think that I otter
Get healed before I lose my mind!

Anticipation accomplished (for December)

There were two big dates on my calendar that have finally passed. One has been marked for months. One came up rather unexpectedly. I am glad they are both behind me.

The one I've been talking about for months is December 15th- the last day in which I would find out about internship interviews. This technically wasn't true, since my final site emailed me at 2:13am on the 16th, but that's another story. In the end, out of 11 site I received interviews from 9. Of the 2 that didn't come through, one was a risk I was taking that didn't work out, and the other was a total surprise that I can't explain. I am very happy with my 9, so it's okay. Four are in Texas, and five are out of state, in Illinois, Virginia, Louisiana, Florida, and Nebraska. Because of scheduling I had to ask Florida for a phone interview, but the others I will be going to in-person in January. I'm not at all nervous, at least not yet, because I'm still excited that I'm at this step. I get to see sites, meet the people I could be working with, and figure out where I want to be. Of course, I have to hope that I make the right impression so that the sites I love also love me, so that I get a great internship next year. I've made my travel plans, so now I get to sit back, review possible interview questions, and anticipate the journey.

The other date on my calendar popped up a little less expectedly- on December 16 I had surgery. I started having pain in my right sinus cavity, which evolved into pain around my right eye, which became headaches. After failed medical options and a CT, I went in to have infection cleared out and a deviated septum repaired. I'm happy to say that recovery has been about what I hoped. I'm barely in any pain, and am mostly just tired and feel like I have a cold. Because of everything in my nose to keep it stable and protected, I have no sense of smell, meaning no sense of taste, which is frustrating. I'm about ready to leave the house for the first time today, though, and can't wait until my follow-up on Wednesday and the drive home for Christmas.

So that's the update. More of those deep thoughts I promised as I keep getting healthy :)

A December Update

So a month ago I said I'd make the effort to write more often. Yeah, well I fell apart again. This time I have no good excuse except my lack of attention span. I actually have most of part 2 of my multi-part series about what I learned from the internship application process saved, I just never concluded and posted it. Maybe I'll add to it after interviews.

So, a lot has happened since I last posted, yet not much. On the academic front, I have been awaiting internship interviews. Slowly the invitations are coming in, and by Wednesday I'll have heard from all 11 sites. So far I am very pleased with the outcome, and am anxious to get the rest of my news so I can make travel arrangements and plan out my January. I'm excited to visit sites, get to know the prospective supervisors, and compare my current impressions with the feeling I get in person. I am ready to move forward and see where my life is going. On the dissertation front, I hit a data setback and am finding time to do calculations that I thought were complete. I'll still meet my goals, I'm sure, I'll just have to work a little harder. The semester is otherwise mostly over. My classes are complete, and I am just writing reports on two children who I tested. I stopped my practicum at the high school, and ended up picking up some work doing bilingual assessment. It's been great experience, much needed but definitely learning on the job. Outside of school, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family that I don't get to see nearly enough, and I have had great time with great friends.

Unfortunately, as is the story of the last year, my physical health has created an obstacle. This time it's not migraines, but sinus problems. I'm glad I caught it early- I started feeling pain in my right cheekbone, and I remembered that my MRI in August had indicated a cyst in my sinus cavity. A month or so later, and I'm having surgery Thursday to not only fix my sinuses (which are apparently infected and not responding to antibiotics), but to repair a deviated septum. I am in a lot of pain, ranging from directly in my sinus (the "punched in the cheek feeling") to the area from my sinus and up above my eye (the "black eye feeling") and then spreading out further (the "I fell onto concrete feeling"). I am also very tired and have suddenly started desiring naps after strenuous activity. So I am just trying to hold on until Thursday, when I have been assured I will be repaired to my normal, perky, positive self. After a quick recovery I will go home for Christmas, then return home to prepare for the interview travels.

That was probably a very boring blog, especially to those who already know what I'm up to. But because of my current lethargy and upcoming time of recovery I feel that it will be a good time to catch up on blogging and write about the little things that are floating around. In order to get those out, I had to lay the foundation. So here it is. I hope I don't disappoint you and vanish for another month...

Who I Am, Part 1

When I posted in September, after my dissertation proposal, I looked ahead to the internship application process that was about to come. I said "In all of it, I will truly understand who I have become and what I want out of my career." A month and a half later, I can say that I accomplished what I expected, at least to a large degree. It was enough that I want to take a few days of writing to analyze and talk about what I have learned and who I feel I am at this stage in my life.

Today, because I need to focus on work, I am going to share something I have already written. This is the autobiography I wrote for my application, in 500 words or less. I therefore focused on how I have transformed into a school psychologist and where I see my career going. It was a chance to really think about how ended up where I am, and sets the stage for everything else I will share over the next few posts.

Schools have always been my comfort place. Ever since I can remember, walking into a classroom and being surrounded by books, bulletin boards, and blackboards has filled me with a sense of excitement and warmth. As a child, I took in knowledge and excelled in academics. School wasn't just where I learned- it was where I defined myself. From Young Astronauts in elementary school to math competitions in junior high to Academic Decathlon and Odyssey of the Mind in high school, the activities that I loved the most kept me at school well past the last bell. Some children play sports, while others engage in the arts. I was one of those children that thrived on learning, and everything related to it.

Despite my love of schools and learning, I became a teacher by accident. I had looked into the health professions first, then chose to pursue my love of language and culture, and was on this path when I spent a day in my mother's classroom. I found that I connected with children, and remembered how much I loved school. As I spent more time in the classroom that summer, I felt that I had found a way to make a difference in lives while sharing my love for learning with others. When I returned to school that fall I was an education major.

I spent six years as a classroom teacher. There were amazing highs as my students learned new material, gained confidence, and accomplished their goals in the classroom and beyond. Unfortunately, I also struggled with the reality that many of my students weren't being given the best chance for success. My fifth year of teaching "John" entered my third grade classroom with diagnoses of a learning disability and a speech impairment. I quickly realized that he showed symptoms of autism, but the school had not chosen to focus his services in this area even though many of us disagreed with this decision. My experiences with John and other students led me to realize that there were policies in schools that were often detrimental to student success. I decided to enter a profession where I could have more of an impact on schools, and applied to school psychology programs the next year.

Since I entered graduate school, my passions for helping students succeed have grown. A decisive moment occurred when my university started a prevention science program, and I had the opportunity to be among the first to earn the certificate. My work in prevention science strengthened my interest in taking a positive, proactive approach to helping children and schools. I also learned about program development, and conducted a program evaluation for a school district. In my school practica I have chosen secondary settings, so that I can effectively help students at all levels of education. Ultimately, my goal is to help all students succeed at school, and love it the way I always have. I want school to be their comfort place too.

Hi blog. I missed you.

My last post was about a month ago. I am sad about this. Not for my audience, so much, though I'm sure you've missed hearing my semi-weekly life commentary (or not, especially if you hear me in person). I just expected more out of my blogging. I also knew, though, that my life can take a beating at certain times during the school year. Still, two posts all semester is beyond what I expected, and I hope to change that now that things are a little settled. Since I talked myself out of doing NaNoWriMo (look it up- it's really cool, and I want to try it next year), maybe I'll do a blogging month instead.

So, where have I been? Well, after the proposal, I quickly moved onto internship applications. For those of us in school, clinical, and counseling psychology, the road to internship is complex. We start by applying, which I have been working on for the last month. Applying means counting up every hour you have worked face-to-face with clients (in my case, children, teachers, and parents), as well as hours in supervision with professors talking about my clients. It also means documenting every test I've administered, and how many times; the ethnicities, genders, and disabilities of every client; and the estimated hours of time I've spent writing reports and notes, calling parents, and doing prep work. I also had to write four essays about who I am, what I do, and what I want to be when I grow up. I had to ask people who really like me to write letters of recommendation, and get transcripts sent. Finally, for each site I have to write a cover letter explaining why I am a good fit for their internship. This keeps a person very busy, especially when there is a regular schedule of duties to follow. Of course, anyone who knows me realizes that my schedule is never regular- I took on an extra project that spiraled into a significant amount of work (as well as lots of kindergarten tears, but I won't go there today). In a semester where I kept saying no because I do too much, I still am doing too much. So I have had a long, crazy October.

The good news is that two applications are submitted and nine more should be out shortly. After this, I sit and wait until I am selected (or not selected) for interviews, which take place in January. While I am anticipating the break, I am a control freak who hates the thought of being judged and not being able to make any changes to the application. I just want the answers now. I will try to distract myself with my dissertation (remember that thing?) and counting down until a much needed Thanksgiving with family that I don't get to see nearly enough.

October was rough. There was a lot of pressure, stress, and work. I just kept telling myself that I had to get to November, and here I am. I had some great people to lean on (if you're reading this, I'm probably talking about you), some fun times (football, parties ranging from gaming to Halloween, lunches and more lunches), and I even got a new car :) In the end, I am ready to start working less and enjoying life more.

One small step for a doctoral candidate

On Friday, after months of writing, editing, and writing some more, I presented my dissertation proposal. The week before was one of the more stressful in recently memory. I have never spent so much time obsessing over a presentation, making sure the wording, flow, and timing were just right. It was all for good reason- pass the proposal presentation and all comprehensive examinations will also be considered complete (my written exams were already finished, an the proposal is considered my oral exam), and I can proceed to apply for internship). While I knew others were passing theirs with little difficulty, and I knew my advisor wouldn't let me do my presentation unless I was read, a lot was riding on this day.

The presentation, of course, went as planned. I only panicked once, on the first slide (I chose to go without notes because of the room setup), and then I became confident and talked through 40 minutes as clearly as I'd hoped. After an unexpected question session from the students in attendance, the four professors on my committee spent time asking me their own questions and giving me suggestions on where to improve my work. Their thoughts were, as I expected, at a very high level, but I understood what they wanted from me. More importantly, they believed in me, and felt that the work I had presented was at the level it needed to be at. The final step was for them to sent me out of the room so they could deliberate. Just when I was wondering what I would do to entertain myself in the hallway on a Friday afternoon, I was called back in and congratulated on my good work.

I am relieved more than anything else. I felt joy for maybe a half hour, then just felt tired and glad it was over. Passing my proposal means that I can apply for internship- which means now I have a new set of work to focus on. Last night I opened my spreadsheet with the deadlines for my sites, saw that I had 34 days until the first one was due, and then went to AAPIC (Association of Psychology Postdoctoral and Internship Centers) website to open an account and start my application. I have been to the APPIC site many times over the last 2 years to read about internship sites and narrow down my favorites, but for the first time, I felt my heart race. This time I wasn't dreaming, exploring, imagining what might happen someday. Now I was taking the first steps to making it happen.

As I entered information on the application, I came across the section asking for my identification number for the APPIC Match. This would be the ultimate test of commitment- paying for and registering for the Match. This is not a match, this is the Match, capitalized. This is the system that will, once I apply, interview, and rank the sites in order of preference, will take the student rankings and the site rankings (they rank the students they interviewed) and decide who matches with which sites. I read the contract. I must abide by the Match- no deciding after I have been matched that I don't like the site after all. I am committing to participate in the Match- any backing out at this point is like I didn't match at all. I checked the box, paid them the fee, and received my applicant number. I am now officially applying for internship via the Match. I am both excited and scared senseless.

The next month will be filled with a new round of frenzy as I prepare my applications. There are hours to count (how many children did I test and with what, how many did I counsel, how many teachers did I work with, etc), essays to write, and final decisions to make as to where to apply. In all of it, I will truly understand who I have become and what I want out of my career. It's a lot of work, but the end result should be worth it all.

Year 4, Day 18, and Finally Time to Blog!

I haven't posted since the semester started. I have had so many times that I've wanted to write, but I've either been busy, or exhausted, or haven't known where to start. Now I find myself sitting at a car mechanic's shop with free WiFi, with work to do but a desire to put it aside until I am in a more... academic setting. So I am somehow going to write about 18 days' worth of adventure in just a couple paragraphs.

What sums up everything, I think, is that I am busy, I am manic, but I am finding my passions in new and interesting ways. The topic on the forefront of my workload has been my dissertation. After that last push, my proposal was completed, and next Friday I do my oral presentation to my hand-selected committee of four professors who have an interest and knowledge in my topic. Additionally, the proposal meeting is open to any students who would like to attend, and it seems I will have quite the audience. It has been humbling, yet motivating, to go through everything and know that people think that I am capable and will do well next week. I am nervous, but hopeful that I will pass next week and be able to begin my research.

My real passion, though, I am finding in my practicum. I am working at a local high school once a week, assisting the English language learners department. My focus thus far has been on assessing the skills of the new arrival students, as well as getting to know the students and the program. This is the first time that I am getting to focus on academics and the classroom, instead of psychopathology and fixing behavior problems. I am confirming that this really is my element, my home, my calling. I love my high schoolers, and they love the gringa who speaks Spanish. I love that I have freedom in this setting to create and direct and be a professional. I am satisfied, and I am feeling better than ever about going into internship.

In the rest of my time, I go to work and class. Work is good- I am helping with research that I enjoy. I have learned a lot about research in a short time, and I am getting to use my education background to answer questions. My one actual class is all about teachers, and research on teachers. It is the first time that I have taken a class with almost all teachers, so it is wonderful to share my experiences and hear from others, and to explore what being an effective teacher really means, on a deep, philosophical level as well as a practical level. I also have my internship seminar class, which is my reminder that I have an application to complete, references to ask for, and things to do that I will work on when my proposal is finished.

Finally, I spend wonderful time with wonderful people. I have my eternal support group of school and church friends that listens to me and feeds me and is always there for me. On the weekend, now, I also have my camp friends, who have become my partners in Aggie pride, who are so much fun and have added some much needed spirit to the heaviness of this year. And every time I go home, I have Jenny there to greet me and love me.

This school year is not easy- there are pressures, and long days, and many things to get done before I can reach my major goals of obtaining an internship and completing my dissertation. Thankfully, I have things I love to do and people I love to do them with. This should be a very good year.

The view from my office

Ready or not...

Yesterday I woke up and suddenly felt what can only be described as a biological instinct. It makes sense, I suppose. I've done it this time of year every year since 1983, except 2000. Yes, it was time to go shopping for school supplies. I realized, though, that this year I didn't have to. I am only taking one actual class, plus a seminar about how to apply for internship and my weekly practicum at the high school. So I am sure I have enough pencils, pens, folders, and pads of paper to handle that. I don't use backpacks anymore, just tote bags or messenger bags or whatever else fits my needs on a given day. I don't even need new school clothes, since I only have to look presentable one day a week, and I built up my professional wardrobe last year. Despite all of that I desperately needed to go shopping. Over the course of my life, since the age of five, I have now spent 21 years in school as a student, plus six years as a teacher (which is a much more expensive type of back-to-school shopping, as it involves buying decorations and supplies for a classroom of around 20 children, plus updating a professional wardrobe). It is, as I have mentioned before, a way to throw money at my feelings of anticipation, and is wonderful. So I went to Target, got some new pens, pencils, highlighters, Post-it notes, and the bonus buy, a new messenger bag. It wasn't a lot, but it satiated me for the day.

Today was the more practical side of shopping, a run to the grocery store to get snacks, frozen meals, and drink mixes that could be brought to campus and stored in the office. Within five minutes, I realized the happy anticipation of yesterday's shopping trip had changed into anxiety. The reality of a new year had finally set in. I was thinking about my schedule, about when I had meetings, when I had classes, when I would be able to eat at home versus getting to eat with friends versus eating in the office or in class, when I would need to have extra snacks, how meals will work at the high school...shopping for food made the reality of the new year sink it. I suppose that makes sense- anyone who knows me knows I plan things around meals :) I spent the rest of the shopping trip feeling stressed out and ready to go home and get my thoughts back in order.

So now I am home, with groceries put away and my heart rate back to normal. I feel both stress and anticipation about the coming year. I feel stress because there are many things that didn't get finished this summer- house projects, mostly. I know if I hadn't gotten sick my summer would have been different, but it's too late to worry about that now. I also have many little unknowns that will all be known after my first week of classes, work, and practicum. I also know that this first week will be very busy. I have program evaluation results to present to a district administrator and a group of teachers, and I have this last week to edit my dissertation proposal so it can go to my committee. I think the date is set for me to do the oral presentation the proposal, so no more time to sit around and wait. So my stress is over immediate things that will pass quickly. I will try to not worry about these little things, and focus on the goals of the year- complete my dissertation, get an incredible internship, and have a wonderful fourth year. Because ready or not, it's here.

One of my parting views of Mexico City... as I say goodbye to summer

Mexico Photos- Pick Two!

The rules have been announced for this year's photo contest hosted by Study Abroad. I have been waiting for awhile to see exactly what they are so I can decide what photos to enter. First, there is a limit of two entries. Second, there are the following categories:

a) Aggie Pride (showing your Texas A&M spirit abroad with an Aggie t-shirt, flag, "gig-em", etc.)
b) Cultural Encounter (a traditional event or experience capturing the location's unique culture)
c) Monumental Moment (a historical/famous landmark or a breathtaking view)
d) Academic Arena (a class, educational field trip, or unique learning experience overseas)

Given that, I have had to put back all of my pretty flowers and find my favorite pictures that really show off Mexico. I don't really have any that are Aggie specific, or show anything academic (I was there for class? Just kidding:) ). So below I have picked my favorite photos that fit the categories. Please let me know what your favorites are! If you want to see any of them full-sized, go to http://s16.photobucket.com/albums/b19/aggieteacher00/Queretaro%20Mexico%202010 Thank you for your input!



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Frozen in Time

I got an email about updated privacy setting on Myspace. Myspace... yeah, I remember that place. I haven't been to my account in a long time, so I decided to look at it and see if anyone actually used their accounts. It ended up being this bizarre look at life approximately two years ago, which seems to be the last time anyone of interest to me updated their information. On my own page, I referred to my life as a grad student, and in my free time playing with my dog Gigi. The last messages that were left for me were birthday greetings in 2008, and indeed the photo I am using of myself is from my 30th birthday party. To see if this was the case for other people, I went to the pages of my two Myspace friends whose pages I suspected would be the most interesting. First up was my friend Christian, who was married yesterday and is now moving to Boston to continue his seminary education (after a year in Austin). His Myspace profile, however, talks of life as a single copy editor living in Bryan/College Station. The other one that I had to see was my uncle Eddie's. The last time he posted, he was in a relationship, and she was posting a lot on his page as well. If I remember right, that relationship was around a year and a half to two years ago, not long before he started getting sick. On Eddie's Myspace page, like his Facebook page, he is still very much alive. I also noticed something that I didn't remember, probably because of my long absence from the site. On Myspace, you don't just have a friends list, but you put people in order. On my page, Eddie was my top friend. On his page, I was his top friend too.

When I first saw the email and decided to revisit Myspace, I had the intention of, if no one was using the site, closing my profile. Now, I think I will keep it open, just so I can go back to 2008 every now and then and see how Eddie is doing.

Don't Rain on My Parade

This weekend I had a few setbacks. My health got a little worse for the first time in two weeks- a mild episode of vertigo, followed by mild headaches and not-so-mild fatigue, aches, and nausea. So I spent a lot of the weekend in bed being tired and not entirely functional. I also used my time, since I wasn't up to doctoral level work, to start looking up more internship information and begin my third spreadsheet (yes, I'm mildly obsessive, but each one serves its purpose). While working on this new spreadsheet, I looked at the less dreamy side of the process- how many students apply, how many are selected to interview, and how many are matched to each site. I also saw out of those, how many were school psychology majors, and how many were clinical psychology majors. Wait... what? I'm applying to school-based internships- what are the clinical psychology majors doing in these positions? There was also something else, but it will be left unblogged.

I'll feel fine though. My health is improving, and one more night's rest should get me mostly back to full strength. As for the internship information- well, it's just more fuel in the fire to do well in my practicums and write a strong application.

To pick up my mood, I found two songs to help. First, we have the title track of this blog, Don't Rain on My Parade, which kind of sums up my personality in general. This link here

is Lea Michele from Glee performing the song at the Tonys.

And as a bonus, last night Neil Patrick Harris won the Emmy for Best Male Guest Star in a Comedy or Musical for Glee, so here he is performing Dream On with Matthew Morrison.

Time to sleep, and Dream On about my last week of vacation...

From the Anthropological Museum in Mexico City.

I like his attitude :)

Summer days driftin' away

There are 11 days left of my summer vacation. It's a very mixed feeling. On one hand, this has been the first time in years that I have had down time and been able to make my own schedule. I also have some great memories, starting with my amazing trip to Mexico and ending with Grad Camp. On the other hand, I spent a lot of time suffering with headaches (which are improving again), and I will always connect the beginning of summer with the loss of Eddie. So while I will treasure the good times, it's time to enjoy a few more late mornings and prepare to move forward.

The last couple days have made me feel really excited about what is to come. A meeting with my advisor has confirmed my confidence in my dissertation work, and made me feel that I am not only prepared to do my proposal next month, but should do well with the rest of the process. I am also set for my job for the coming year- forms are filled out and keys are checked out and on my keychain- and will be working with my advisor doing work I enjoy with people I already know and like. Tuesday I am meeting with the coordinator of services for English language learners at the high school to set up a practicum for the coming year. Plans are starting to be made for camp get-togethers and reunions. There has also been some wrapping up- finishing and preparing to present a program evaluation, girls' nights out as people return to town, and projects around the house that were supposed to be done months ago :) Of course, sitting out there is the big project, finalizing my internship site list and starting the application. That will start soon too.

When I was a teacher this was my favorite week of the year. It is the week before the children arrive but the teachers are at work setting up their classrooms. It was when I would create lesson plans, get my class list, and write my students' names on their desks, on bulletin boards, on their cubbies. I loved it so much because of the anticipation of who my students might be and what the school year could be come. I don't get to do that anymore, but this school year brings so much of its own anticipation- completing a dissertation, finding an internship, completing my time at A&M. It has the potential to be one of the best years of my life. So, I am sad to lose the laziness of summer, but the hard work of fall and spring will bring amazing rewards. Bring it on :)

From a gate outside the castle of Chapultepec, Mexico City

Pondering my Photography

I've realized something about myself and photography. I love taking pictures of places, wildlife, nature, landscapes, architecture... but I don't take pictures at social events. In Mexico I had some pictures of people, but usually when others were doing it too. At Grad Camp I only took pictures of the donkeys that were wandering on the property. On other occasions when I have been out with my friends I have carried my camera but never ended up using it. I have a few theories, some of which I think are actually true and some may be excuses. I do know that I am very self-conscious about how I photograph, so if I am going to be photographed I have to be happy with the situation. I have also been in many situations where others had cameras too, and instead of adding a fourth or fifth camera to a pile for a group shot it seemed easier to just get a copy later (in this age it's so easy to share photographs). I think sometimes I just get into the moment, and don't want to stop everything to take pictures, or don't want to remove myself to step outside and photograph. Sometimes, I just don't think about it until after the moment's over. I don't want to miss having photographs of important people- there are already people who have moved who I wish I had more pictures of, or fun times that I wish I had a couple great shots of. I just seem to have this really strange divide between what I take pictures of and what I neglect, and I'm trying to figure out what it says about me.

One of the Grad Camp donkeys, of course

Grad Camp '10!

After months of preparation, I spent the last two days at Grad Camp. Grad Camp is an overnight orientation for incoming graduate students designed to teach them about life at A&M and have fun meeting new people in the process. I applied in April and was lucky enough to get chosen to be a counselor- between my campus leadership experience, my 7 years at A&M, and my generally perky personality, it was a good fit. After three planning sessions and some outside preparation, Thursday and Friday was finally camp.

Grad Camp went exactly as planned- no major injuries, accident, or incidents. In fact, the only time the medic was needed was two hours before departure when I got a surface cut that happened to be on top of a scar (which just meant it looked worse than it was), so he got to help me clean and Band-Aid it :) Everyone was great, and if anyone didn't get along I didn't know about it. We were divided into smaller discussion groups so we could get to know each other better, and my group (Go Team Red!) was probably the more laid back of the three, but everyone had fascinating stories and it was neat to learn so much about people in such a short amount of time.

So, what does one do at Grad Camp? Well, I won't do a play-by-play, but some highlights are good. Campers arrived Thursday morning, and as the more experienced Aggie (as in I did undergrad here too) I led people around the displays at the alumni building and introduced them to some Aggie traditions. We went to camp at at retreat center outside of town, and after we unpacked we went to lunch. We had our first time with our groups to get to know each other, then listened to speakers from groups around campus, and spent more time with our groups. After an inter-group skit contest (we lost), we had dinner, then taught the campers the yells they will use at sporting events (again, being the experienced one I did a lot of the leading, which was so fun!). At night we had a mixer, where I danced and hula-ed and played cards and Jenga-ed. The next day we had more speakers and group time (and we won a group contest, for our group yell- ruh ruh ruh ruh, eh eh eh eh, duh duh duh duh!), and after lunch we had free time to hang out and have fun with our new friends. This time mostly consisted of people swimming, getting hit by water balloons, and people who didn't want to get wet being dragged into the water anyway. We ended the day by eating, packing, talking, and exchanging contact information. There will be many gatherings after this, both to introduce campers to Aggie traditions and events and just to hang out.

So Grad Camp was a resounding success. Not only did I share my love for Aggieland with new students, I now have around 45 new friends that I can't wait to see again. It was definitely worth all of the work. Whoop!

Defying Gravity

I have a couple things on my mind, but they're still kind of in process and not ready to be written about. At the same time, I am about to head out for a couple of days that will definitely be blogworthy. I have decided that I want to write something every few days, at least, to keep things going. If I don't have anything to write myself, I will post song lyrics or some other writing that inspires me, both to for myself and to share with others. Today's inspiration came to me from the show Glee, by way of the musical Wicked. Below are the lyrics, and links to the YouTube. Enjoy :)


Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

Glee- Defying Gravity


The top of the Angel of Independence statue in Mexico City

Laughing and crying

I am having one of those days when I am really tired of being sick. I made tremendous progress last week, then crashed on my birthday, and am slowly improving again. Today my head hasn't been too bad, but I am weak and nauseous and can't kick either one. And I am having so many successes today- I finally finished client work at my job that I technically ended in May, I saw my much-missed professor and we came up with a wonderful idea for a fall practicum, and I got some enthusiasm for the new school year. But it's so hard to feel excited and get productive when you realize you are sick AGAIN. I can't get my migraine prescription refilled this week because I'm going through the medication too fast, and I have to hope that this week goes well enough that I don't need it. I have a dissertation to work on. I have two days of camp coming up that I am excited about. And I can't stop thinking about my headache, my weak body, and my nausea that won't respond to medication that they give to chemotherapy patients, and I can't stop wondering if this will be better when I need it to be. Some days it doesn't bother me, because I see progress, and some days I just want to cry because I can't shake this and it's still getting in the way. I'm getting better at putting on my happy face- my professor couldn't believe how I actually laughed when I told her about it, but I think I have adopted the laugh or cry attitude. Usually I can do the laughing part, but sometimes I can't. Just one of those days...

Birthday Week!

There is one time of year where you get to be a little self-centered and not be apologetic- your birthday. I admit, I haven't really grown out of my birthday excitement that much. It's not about presents anymore, it's just about spending time with people you love and hearing from friends and family that you don't get to talk to much.

So I got to celebrate all week, which made it even better. I went to see my parents for a few days, because it was my last chance to visit before my mom's summer vacation ended. Monday night we just talked and caught up, talking about life and internships and everything else. Tuesday my dad had the day off for a doctor's appointment so the morning was quiet, and later in the day we went out for my birthday dinner, then had a great chocolate cake that Mom made for me. Wednesday Mom and I had a great day at Sea World, a place we go often but can never get bored of. We were supposed to meet a friend and her son, but he was being a grumpy 4 year old so it was just us. So we spent time on rides, at shows, shopping, and looking at cute baby animals. Sea World is a place where I am always content, combining my love for marine biology and amusement parks perfectly, and a mother-daughter day is always good for the soul. Unfortunately Thursday I had to return home so I could start refocusing on reality.

The birthday fun started Friday night, when I met up with my friend Stevie for drinks since she wasn't sure if she'd be free to go out on the actual day. We'd had hard-to-match schedules so it was good to catch up. Yesterday, of course, was the big day. I started out with a meeting- yes, a meeting on a Saturday. Grad Camp is next week, so us counselors had our last preparation day. I didn't mind being there (except for when my alarm went off), because I am excited about camp and really like the counselors. We talked, planned, practiced yells, and made nametags. Afterward six of us went to lunch and ended up spending two hours eating Middle Eastern food and getting to know each other. It was a great mix of cultures and personalities. Afterward I had some down time to get a pedicure, talk to my family, and rest up. The evening was my celebration time. I had invited friends to dinner, having no idea who was in town and could make it. I ended up having 12 friends show up (including baby Caitlin), and we had a great meal and conversation. It was also a nice surprise to see Robb one last time before he moved to Dallas. Afterward a smaller group of us went to a wine bar to have drinks and dessert. I risked a headache to eat chocolate cheesecake, and tried a wine called First Love (which, like many first loves, was just okay). Stevie and her boyfriend, who met salsa dancing, convinced me and a few others to go next door and try dancing (and help me find my salsa love). I enjoyed it more than I thought, did better than I thought, and may do it again. I only danced with Joed, a very patient and kind teacher, and the equally beginner-level Victor, but it wasn't a disaster, and the crowd seemed interesting. If I hadn't been tired and the loud music hadn't irritated my head I might have stayed a little longer.

So, birthday week #32 was a great week. Family and friends in abundance. Times have definitely changed- I only got two cards in the mail, but between Facebook messages, emails, e-cards, and texts, I probably got 100 greetings. Birthdays are a reminder of where you are in life and where you are going. I have learned that it's not important where I "should" be at this age, it's about whether I'm happy with where I am and where I'm going. And looking around at everyone that spent time with me this week, or sent me a message, I know I'm very blessed, and very happy. So here's to another year of life!

Love is friends, family, and baby sea lions :)

The Power of Friendships

Today I was reminded of the power of friendships. I was both the giver and receiver of a lot of love from some wonderful people. During a difficult situation, I sought to give support to friends and be a strength. When I had given all I had, others came in and became my support and gave me the caring I needed to build back up. There was never any doubt that I would give to them, or they would give to me. Later, at a going away party, I reflected on the past and anticipated the future with a group of people who I have shared this journey of graduate school with. It was a reminder of both the group dynamic and my own individual friendship, and how much we have meant to each other.

The message from both these experiences was simple but powerful. You can make an amazing difference in the lives of others. And others can make an amazing difference in your life. Treasure everyone you care about, always do your best to be there for them, always show them you appreciate them. To everyone in my life, thank you for being here.

Chapters

I have always looked at my grad school experience as a chapter in my life. A very rigid concept that began in August 2007, and would end in summer 2011 when I left for internship. A nice tidy package with a beginning and an end, page numbers and all.

My life as a book with chapters, though, ignores the fact that everyone else is also writing their own books, and their chapters don't line up with mine. And so when their time with me ends, a small part of my chapter changes as well. Today a wonderful friend of mine, who has given me so much support on this journey, is packing a moving truck so that he can end this chapter and move to another state for internship. On Sunday I will attend a gathering to say goodbye to another great friend who is also leaving for internship, although in state so I will see him from time to time. This morning I learned that a friend who was such a part of my life my first years here, who moved to Austin last year to start a new chapter, is altering that chapter to follow his future wife to Boston.

It's the curse of the temporary life that I lead, being in school. Everyone else is also leading a temporary life. Except for the group that I entered school with, no one else is on the same timeline I am, and not even all of us are on the same path now. This isn't the first time I've said goodbye- so many great friends have moved on already. We keep in touch, but of course it's always hard when people are in new places starting new chapters. There are many people who I miss dearly, and after this weekend there will be even more.

As I continue working on my internship site list, application, and dissertation, I realize that my own chapter is nearing its end, and I will leave before many of my friends' chapters are complete. As I talk about my plans with my friends, I realize that will soon be my turn, and it is both exciting and bittersweet.

So in the chapter that is my graduate school time, this is the time when I say goodbye to friends that I love dearly, and wish them well, and hope that their new chapters are written exactly as they hope. May our books someday come together again.

Anticipation

I'm up too late tonight, nice little bout of insomnia. I blame it on anticipation.

On a smaller note, I have a visit with the neurologist scheduled tomorrow. When it was first booked two weeks ago, it was supposed to be a follow-up after my three weeks of agony had been dealt with, hopefully to say things were back to normal. Unfortunately, my migraines haven't cooperated, and it's now a problem-solving mission to deal with five weeks of agony. I'm going in with 38 days of headaches documented, along with any other notes on symptoms and observations that I feel need to be discussed. I need better answers and treatments, and I have to feel good leaving that office tomorrow.

The other anticipation results from the evening's research on internship sites. I think I have finally scoured the database thoroughly enough to have identified every internship that could meet my needs, and surprised myself by finding 22 that made my Excel spreadsheet. Of those, 4 have already been eliminated, leaving 18 that I am going to think about, read over, contact with questions, and ultimately narrow down. Some are definitely in, a couple are likely out, but then it becomes a series of questions. Which sites best fit my current training experiences? Which sites will best prepare me for my future career goals? Which sites do I think will be interested in me? How many out of state sites should I apply to, since it will be extremely expensive to travel to interviews? If I love a site, but they only have space for one intern, is it worth trying for that one position? How important is geography, and can I really live anywhere for a year? A month ago I thought I had the list and it was done, but now that I have found additional sites and have to actually make decisions, it's a little more stressful. Really fun and exciting, but definitely more than I expected.

So I am awake because I anticipate decisions that need to be made. Good decisions that will make for a better future, whether an immediate, pain-free future, or a further, career-progressing future. I can think of much worse reasons to be awake at 1am :)

There is no more contentment than a dog and her bone...maybe she anticipates a new bone?

(photo taken today)

Being yourself

Yesterday I talked about how being ill made me lose my sense of self. I was reflecting on that again earlier today, as I walked through the mall. At this age, and as I am about to reach another birthday, I have a pretty clear sense of who I am. Some things change with time and with new experiences, but there are certain moments where there is a spark, a click, a flash of Lisaness. At the mall it happened when I walked into Earthbound and began browsing the peace sign jewelry, and felt drawn to some simple bracelets that matched my style. I can think of other moments- eating ice cream late at night and and talking with friends, looking at Jenny's happy pant and kissing her nose, adjusting the orca antenna topper on my car, texting with my mother lines from Disneyland rides, cutting an avocado and hearing Imagine on my iPod, sitting on this couch and watching people while hearing the new Lifehouse song on the radio- "I'm all in, nothing left to hide...". They are the little moments that aren't just my hobbies, but the things that tie into my deeper loves that have never left me. Family, friends, peace, optimism, hope, the world. I'm not perfect, but I know who I am and what drives me to be a better person, and I think that's a good place to be.

(photo from La Alameda, park in Queretaro, Mexico, 5/27/10)

A little catching up- how's July been, you ask?

I haven't had a lot to say lately that felt blogworthy, so I'm going to try now. To be honest I'm not really in a writing mood, but I'm going to put on some music, focus, and see what I have to say to the world.

The last post, actually, I never advertised. I was in an emotional place, and needed to write it, and needed it out there, but I also knew that it would affect some people, mostly family, deeply so I never shared it on Facebook. But it's there for whoever wants to see it. I don't mind, or I wouldn't have posted it in the first place.

A lot of my time was spent on the dissertation process that I explained already. It became a bit more involved than I expected, but the first section is complete. There is definitely a sense of accomplishment, but it is the part that takes the least work, and there are many months to go.

I have had a few good times with friends- this is summer, after all. A rare event took place, an actual party at my house. It was nice to have people over, and Jenny, once she got over her shyness, loved having a choice of humans who would rub her ears and tummy. I also had a wonderful day trip with a friend, where he showed me some small town Texas treasures, including great chocolate and a famous barn painted in school colors. And I've seen movies, and gone for ice cream and dinner, and chatted, and had lots of good company.

Back to work topics, I am a teacher again! For the second half of summer I am teaching an online course on child development, the same course I took here as an education major. There are many limitations to teaching a course online, especially for someone like me who loves talking and interacting, and there were a few technical issues that made the first week somewhat frustrating. It is exciting though to be in charge of educating students again, and now that things are running smoothly I feel very positive about the success my students are having, and look forward in particular to their final papers and seeing if they can use what they have learned.

Unfortunately, illness has again gotten the best of me, particularly this past week. It is hard enough to be in a position where you feel debilitated- my headaches are not only painful, they make me nauseous and weak. There is also a feeling of losing myself. My usually happy, optimistic, energetic personality gets overshadowed by frustration, sadness, and exhaustion. While I know I tend to the melodramatic in my daily life, illness makes me hypersensitive to the comments I make, and I suddenly become constantly concerned that I am overly complaining or becoming a burden. Each time I am sick I feel like this loss of self becomes exacerbated, because it's more of the same. I want people to care about me and help me, but I don't want them to tire of me and feel like I'm just being dramatic again. I know that my problems are minor compared to those of many others with chronic or severe illnesses, and I try to be hopeful and thankful. At the same time, it is hard to smile and be happy when I've been in pain for days on end, even if other things are going okay. The hardest part is that I still don't have any real answers for what is going on or how to feel better. I'm just trying to deal, and not be too sad about it, and hope the people around me understand.

I guess that's what's going on here. My internet is down at home, so I have been sitting at a coffee shop this afternoon. I think I will get some groceries, put in a couple movies, and rest. Below are two pictures- one from my trip to the Aggie Barn, and one from the dog park earlier today.

Looking for hope

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now..."

There are times when it seems like things are hopeless. When there is sadness and frustration and a sense of powerlessness. Today could be one of those days.

In my personal existence, I am struggling with the recurrence of headaches that I was not expecting, that are resisting my home treatment, and that even confuse doctors. I had enough hope today to go to urgent care and think a temporary treatment could be found until I could see my neurologist (who I'm sure will be stumped, but at least will have some new options to try). Unfortunately, the treatment I was given seems to have worked moderately at best, and the doctor seemed almost irritated that I didn't know what medication I needed. Meanwhile, I am getting feedback on an online forum that I need treatment immediately or I am risking serious medical complications. So it feels hopeless, and I am tired of hurting, but I am trying to keep hope. I know that the answer is out there, it'll just take some more time, and probably a little more pain, before someone figures it out.

My problems, though, seem trivial. My aunt had surgery yesterday, and cancer was found in her abdomen. While tests are still pending to confirm the diagnosis, the prognosis is devastating. We don't know how long we will have her, if she will make it to her birthday next month, or her sister's birthday in the fall. It is a time when we all want so badly to grasp onto hope that she will get to live as long as possible, that there is a treatment for her, that she can be comfortable and happy. There is a lot of hoping in the face of such terrible news.

I am also reminded of my distant cousin, another Lisa, who was diagnosed with cancer just over a year ago, and ultimately decided that the treatments for her cancer were not worth the suffering she was dealing with. She has spent the time since living her life while preparing for the end in a way that is inspiring beyond words. Her hope isn't in finding a cure or a miracle treatment, but in making meaning in the life she has left. Her strength gives hope to others, including me.

So today is, for me, about hope. I haven't felt a lot of it today, mostly just sadness and frustration. Without hope though, what is there? Hope doesn't have to be about miracles, or wishes, it could be about little victories and moments that make life better. Hope can be about one day at a time, one smile, one laugh, one step in the right direction.

Then again, there's no reason not to wish for more.

Remember when we went to Austin for the 4th of July?

For the 4th two friends, Mark and Lu, and I decided to take a little road trip for some good fireworks. After a little research Austin sounded like the place to be. We headed out so that we could arrive in time for gospel brunch at Stubb's Bar-b-q, where you get a great mix of breakfast food and brisket while listening to a live gospel choir. Like most things we did, it was a new experience for us. It was also a nice chance (when we could hear over the choir) to catch up with a friend who had moved to Austin last year.

For our next cultural experience, we went to Chinatown, because Mark wanted a Buddha to hang from his rear view mirror. We went to the major supermarket, which was my first experience in an Asian market. It was fascinating, and a bit overwhelming, to suddenly be around so many things that I had either never seen before or had seen but never in such quantities. After finding the Buddhas, and not seeing any that hang from mirrors, we took our time walking the store and learning the tastes of the Chinese (bean curd candy or shrimp chips, anyone?).

After we left Chinatown we weren't quite ready to go into the craziness of downtown Austin, so we ended up continuing our cultural expedition and going to the Swedish smörgåsbord that is IKEA. I had never been in one before, and always thought it was just an inexpensive furniture store. Well, it turns out it is a vortex of shopping. It reminded me of the movie I had seen the day before, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, based on my favorite children's book involving Greek mythology. There is a scene that references the Lotus Eaters, and in this version as long as they keep eating lotuses they never want to leave (in the case of the movie, a casino), and they have no concept of time. That's what IKEA was. It was also like Candy Land, complete with short cuts. It's quite an amazing place. When I finally am done with school and settle (I have to move in a year, and probably again a year after that), I will make a very happy trip to IKEA.

Once we found daylight again, it was time to go downtown. First was dinner, which led us to our final bit of culture, New York-style Jewish food. Then it was off to Zilker Park to find a spot in the grass and watch the fireworks. It was a nice display, off to the side of the skyscrapers. I decided to try out my camera's fireworks feature, which as it turns out does quite interesting things. I think the slight delay caused the photos to be not exactly what I expected. But they are fun pictures nonetheless. Below is a shot of the skyline with my camera on auto, then a couple of my favorite fireworks pictures with my camera's feature. For all of them go to this album.







After that it took us an extremely long time to get out of Austin, but we eventually made it out and back home. Definitely a fun trip, not usual, but that's the best thing about it.

A little dissertating

This week has been my full return to Reality. After Mexico, the subsequent week of transition, California, and the subsequent week of readjustment/migraine suffering, I finally had to come to terms with the fact that yes, I am still a full time doctoral student. And there is work to be done.

This week, then, marked my full immersion into my dissertation. I began my foray into this project over a year and a half ago, when I had to create my degree plan and form my dissertation committee. In order to form my committee, I had to have a general idea of what my topic would be. To decide on a topic, I had to know enough about what I was interested in, which I figured out through making my degree plan. So in summary, a year and a half ago, around October 2008, I picked a general topic. From there, I have been reading about it, learning what has already been done, and figuring out where I could make a contribution to the world. In April, I made a presentation to my faculty with my preliminary ideas, a required activity to show that we are on target to do our formal proposal in fall in time to apply for internship.

So, I give you (well, those of you who are not in the crazy world of Ph.D. work) that background so you will understand where I was this week. This week I began writing. Not just learning, exploring, but actually going into Word, creating a new file, and saving it under the title "dissertation". My project this week was to give the context for my work. To explain not only what theory I am working under, but why it is important and what the context of the work is. For my dissertation, this was one of those tasks that worked my brain in a way that I haven't worked it in quite some time. I have chosen to take a theory, or an aspect of a theory, and take it in a new direction. So I had to justify my work by tying this theory to a body of work in a whole new area. When I was first given this task, I wasn't sure how it would all connect, but it was really interesting putting it all together. By the end, when it was written and submitted to my chair, I was not only proud of my work, but I realized that my dissertation is really doing something unique. While it was a rough week, the intellectual part of me is satisfied.

Having said that, I'm still a long way from saying I would rather do research than work with children and schools. I do enjoy this work, but I feel most fulfilled when I know I am making a direct difference in the lives of children. It's hard to see how my dissertation, even if I get the results I expect, will trickle down to changes in the schools. I expect that, at best, it might have an effect on theory and future research. I would be happy with that, of course. These are the conflicts we face in a field that is both research and practice.

And with that, it is time for a couple days of housework, and, of course, fun!

P.S. I am still debating on my title change, but for now I have defaulted to the actual name of the blog as stated in the URL. It's simple, maybe too simple, but it will do for now. And I am still going to keep posting pictures all summer :)