There are times when it seems like things are hopeless. When there is sadness and frustration and a sense of powerlessness. Today could be one of those days.
In my personal existence, I am struggling with the recurrence of headaches that I was not expecting, that are resisting my home treatment, and that even confuse doctors. I had enough hope today to go to urgent care and think a temporary treatment could be found until I could see my neurologist (who I'm sure will be stumped, but at least will have some new options to try). Unfortunately, the treatment I was given seems to have worked moderately at best, and the doctor seemed almost irritated that I didn't know what medication I needed. Meanwhile, I am getting feedback on an online forum that I need treatment immediately or I am risking serious medical complications. So it feels hopeless, and I am tired of hurting, but I am trying to keep hope. I know that the answer is out there, it'll just take some more time, and probably a little more pain, before someone figures it out.
My problems, though, seem trivial. My aunt had surgery yesterday, and cancer was found in her abdomen. While tests are still pending to confirm the diagnosis, the prognosis is devastating. We don't know how long we will have her, if she will make it to her birthday next month, or her sister's birthday in the fall. It is a time when we all want so badly to grasp onto hope that she will get to live as long as possible, that there is a treatment for her, that she can be comfortable and happy. There is a lot of hoping in the face of such terrible news.
I am also reminded of my distant cousin, another Lisa, who was diagnosed with cancer just over a year ago, and ultimately decided that the treatments for her cancer were not worth the suffering she was dealing with. She has spent the time since living her life while preparing for the end in a way that is inspiring beyond words. Her hope isn't in finding a cure or a miracle treatment, but in making meaning in the life she has left. Her strength gives hope to others, including me.
So today is, for me, about hope. I haven't felt a lot of it today, mostly just sadness and frustration. Without hope though, what is there? Hope doesn't have to be about miracles, or wishes, it could be about little victories and moments that make life better. Hope can be about one day at a time, one smile, one laugh, one step in the right direction.
Then again, there's no reason not to wish for more.
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