Chapters

I have always looked at my grad school experience as a chapter in my life. A very rigid concept that began in August 2007, and would end in summer 2011 when I left for internship. A nice tidy package with a beginning and an end, page numbers and all.

My life as a book with chapters, though, ignores the fact that everyone else is also writing their own books, and their chapters don't line up with mine. And so when their time with me ends, a small part of my chapter changes as well. Today a wonderful friend of mine, who has given me so much support on this journey, is packing a moving truck so that he can end this chapter and move to another state for internship. On Sunday I will attend a gathering to say goodbye to another great friend who is also leaving for internship, although in state so I will see him from time to time. This morning I learned that a friend who was such a part of my life my first years here, who moved to Austin last year to start a new chapter, is altering that chapter to follow his future wife to Boston.

It's the curse of the temporary life that I lead, being in school. Everyone else is also leading a temporary life. Except for the group that I entered school with, no one else is on the same timeline I am, and not even all of us are on the same path now. This isn't the first time I've said goodbye- so many great friends have moved on already. We keep in touch, but of course it's always hard when people are in new places starting new chapters. There are many people who I miss dearly, and after this weekend there will be even more.

As I continue working on my internship site list, application, and dissertation, I realize that my own chapter is nearing its end, and I will leave before many of my friends' chapters are complete. As I talk about my plans with my friends, I realize that will soon be my turn, and it is both exciting and bittersweet.

So in the chapter that is my graduate school time, this is the time when I say goodbye to friends that I love dearly, and wish them well, and hope that their new chapters are written exactly as they hope. May our books someday come together again.

Anticipation

I'm up too late tonight, nice little bout of insomnia. I blame it on anticipation.

On a smaller note, I have a visit with the neurologist scheduled tomorrow. When it was first booked two weeks ago, it was supposed to be a follow-up after my three weeks of agony had been dealt with, hopefully to say things were back to normal. Unfortunately, my migraines haven't cooperated, and it's now a problem-solving mission to deal with five weeks of agony. I'm going in with 38 days of headaches documented, along with any other notes on symptoms and observations that I feel need to be discussed. I need better answers and treatments, and I have to feel good leaving that office tomorrow.

The other anticipation results from the evening's research on internship sites. I think I have finally scoured the database thoroughly enough to have identified every internship that could meet my needs, and surprised myself by finding 22 that made my Excel spreadsheet. Of those, 4 have already been eliminated, leaving 18 that I am going to think about, read over, contact with questions, and ultimately narrow down. Some are definitely in, a couple are likely out, but then it becomes a series of questions. Which sites best fit my current training experiences? Which sites will best prepare me for my future career goals? Which sites do I think will be interested in me? How many out of state sites should I apply to, since it will be extremely expensive to travel to interviews? If I love a site, but they only have space for one intern, is it worth trying for that one position? How important is geography, and can I really live anywhere for a year? A month ago I thought I had the list and it was done, but now that I have found additional sites and have to actually make decisions, it's a little more stressful. Really fun and exciting, but definitely more than I expected.

So I am awake because I anticipate decisions that need to be made. Good decisions that will make for a better future, whether an immediate, pain-free future, or a further, career-progressing future. I can think of much worse reasons to be awake at 1am :)

There is no more contentment than a dog and her bone...maybe she anticipates a new bone?

(photo taken today)

Being yourself

Yesterday I talked about how being ill made me lose my sense of self. I was reflecting on that again earlier today, as I walked through the mall. At this age, and as I am about to reach another birthday, I have a pretty clear sense of who I am. Some things change with time and with new experiences, but there are certain moments where there is a spark, a click, a flash of Lisaness. At the mall it happened when I walked into Earthbound and began browsing the peace sign jewelry, and felt drawn to some simple bracelets that matched my style. I can think of other moments- eating ice cream late at night and and talking with friends, looking at Jenny's happy pant and kissing her nose, adjusting the orca antenna topper on my car, texting with my mother lines from Disneyland rides, cutting an avocado and hearing Imagine on my iPod, sitting on this couch and watching people while hearing the new Lifehouse song on the radio- "I'm all in, nothing left to hide...". They are the little moments that aren't just my hobbies, but the things that tie into my deeper loves that have never left me. Family, friends, peace, optimism, hope, the world. I'm not perfect, but I know who I am and what drives me to be a better person, and I think that's a good place to be.

(photo from La Alameda, park in Queretaro, Mexico, 5/27/10)

A little catching up- how's July been, you ask?

I haven't had a lot to say lately that felt blogworthy, so I'm going to try now. To be honest I'm not really in a writing mood, but I'm going to put on some music, focus, and see what I have to say to the world.

The last post, actually, I never advertised. I was in an emotional place, and needed to write it, and needed it out there, but I also knew that it would affect some people, mostly family, deeply so I never shared it on Facebook. But it's there for whoever wants to see it. I don't mind, or I wouldn't have posted it in the first place.

A lot of my time was spent on the dissertation process that I explained already. It became a bit more involved than I expected, but the first section is complete. There is definitely a sense of accomplishment, but it is the part that takes the least work, and there are many months to go.

I have had a few good times with friends- this is summer, after all. A rare event took place, an actual party at my house. It was nice to have people over, and Jenny, once she got over her shyness, loved having a choice of humans who would rub her ears and tummy. I also had a wonderful day trip with a friend, where he showed me some small town Texas treasures, including great chocolate and a famous barn painted in school colors. And I've seen movies, and gone for ice cream and dinner, and chatted, and had lots of good company.

Back to work topics, I am a teacher again! For the second half of summer I am teaching an online course on child development, the same course I took here as an education major. There are many limitations to teaching a course online, especially for someone like me who loves talking and interacting, and there were a few technical issues that made the first week somewhat frustrating. It is exciting though to be in charge of educating students again, and now that things are running smoothly I feel very positive about the success my students are having, and look forward in particular to their final papers and seeing if they can use what they have learned.

Unfortunately, illness has again gotten the best of me, particularly this past week. It is hard enough to be in a position where you feel debilitated- my headaches are not only painful, they make me nauseous and weak. There is also a feeling of losing myself. My usually happy, optimistic, energetic personality gets overshadowed by frustration, sadness, and exhaustion. While I know I tend to the melodramatic in my daily life, illness makes me hypersensitive to the comments I make, and I suddenly become constantly concerned that I am overly complaining or becoming a burden. Each time I am sick I feel like this loss of self becomes exacerbated, because it's more of the same. I want people to care about me and help me, but I don't want them to tire of me and feel like I'm just being dramatic again. I know that my problems are minor compared to those of many others with chronic or severe illnesses, and I try to be hopeful and thankful. At the same time, it is hard to smile and be happy when I've been in pain for days on end, even if other things are going okay. The hardest part is that I still don't have any real answers for what is going on or how to feel better. I'm just trying to deal, and not be too sad about it, and hope the people around me understand.

I guess that's what's going on here. My internet is down at home, so I have been sitting at a coffee shop this afternoon. I think I will get some groceries, put in a couple movies, and rest. Below are two pictures- one from my trip to the Aggie Barn, and one from the dog park earlier today.

Looking for hope

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now..."

There are times when it seems like things are hopeless. When there is sadness and frustration and a sense of powerlessness. Today could be one of those days.

In my personal existence, I am struggling with the recurrence of headaches that I was not expecting, that are resisting my home treatment, and that even confuse doctors. I had enough hope today to go to urgent care and think a temporary treatment could be found until I could see my neurologist (who I'm sure will be stumped, but at least will have some new options to try). Unfortunately, the treatment I was given seems to have worked moderately at best, and the doctor seemed almost irritated that I didn't know what medication I needed. Meanwhile, I am getting feedback on an online forum that I need treatment immediately or I am risking serious medical complications. So it feels hopeless, and I am tired of hurting, but I am trying to keep hope. I know that the answer is out there, it'll just take some more time, and probably a little more pain, before someone figures it out.

My problems, though, seem trivial. My aunt had surgery yesterday, and cancer was found in her abdomen. While tests are still pending to confirm the diagnosis, the prognosis is devastating. We don't know how long we will have her, if she will make it to her birthday next month, or her sister's birthday in the fall. It is a time when we all want so badly to grasp onto hope that she will get to live as long as possible, that there is a treatment for her, that she can be comfortable and happy. There is a lot of hoping in the face of such terrible news.

I am also reminded of my distant cousin, another Lisa, who was diagnosed with cancer just over a year ago, and ultimately decided that the treatments for her cancer were not worth the suffering she was dealing with. She has spent the time since living her life while preparing for the end in a way that is inspiring beyond words. Her hope isn't in finding a cure or a miracle treatment, but in making meaning in the life she has left. Her strength gives hope to others, including me.

So today is, for me, about hope. I haven't felt a lot of it today, mostly just sadness and frustration. Without hope though, what is there? Hope doesn't have to be about miracles, or wishes, it could be about little victories and moments that make life better. Hope can be about one day at a time, one smile, one laugh, one step in the right direction.

Then again, there's no reason not to wish for more.

Remember when we went to Austin for the 4th of July?

For the 4th two friends, Mark and Lu, and I decided to take a little road trip for some good fireworks. After a little research Austin sounded like the place to be. We headed out so that we could arrive in time for gospel brunch at Stubb's Bar-b-q, where you get a great mix of breakfast food and brisket while listening to a live gospel choir. Like most things we did, it was a new experience for us. It was also a nice chance (when we could hear over the choir) to catch up with a friend who had moved to Austin last year.

For our next cultural experience, we went to Chinatown, because Mark wanted a Buddha to hang from his rear view mirror. We went to the major supermarket, which was my first experience in an Asian market. It was fascinating, and a bit overwhelming, to suddenly be around so many things that I had either never seen before or had seen but never in such quantities. After finding the Buddhas, and not seeing any that hang from mirrors, we took our time walking the store and learning the tastes of the Chinese (bean curd candy or shrimp chips, anyone?).

After we left Chinatown we weren't quite ready to go into the craziness of downtown Austin, so we ended up continuing our cultural expedition and going to the Swedish smörgåsbord that is IKEA. I had never been in one before, and always thought it was just an inexpensive furniture store. Well, it turns out it is a vortex of shopping. It reminded me of the movie I had seen the day before, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, based on my favorite children's book involving Greek mythology. There is a scene that references the Lotus Eaters, and in this version as long as they keep eating lotuses they never want to leave (in the case of the movie, a casino), and they have no concept of time. That's what IKEA was. It was also like Candy Land, complete with short cuts. It's quite an amazing place. When I finally am done with school and settle (I have to move in a year, and probably again a year after that), I will make a very happy trip to IKEA.

Once we found daylight again, it was time to go downtown. First was dinner, which led us to our final bit of culture, New York-style Jewish food. Then it was off to Zilker Park to find a spot in the grass and watch the fireworks. It was a nice display, off to the side of the skyscrapers. I decided to try out my camera's fireworks feature, which as it turns out does quite interesting things. I think the slight delay caused the photos to be not exactly what I expected. But they are fun pictures nonetheless. Below is a shot of the skyline with my camera on auto, then a couple of my favorite fireworks pictures with my camera's feature. For all of them go to this album.







After that it took us an extremely long time to get out of Austin, but we eventually made it out and back home. Definitely a fun trip, not usual, but that's the best thing about it.

A little dissertating

This week has been my full return to Reality. After Mexico, the subsequent week of transition, California, and the subsequent week of readjustment/migraine suffering, I finally had to come to terms with the fact that yes, I am still a full time doctoral student. And there is work to be done.

This week, then, marked my full immersion into my dissertation. I began my foray into this project over a year and a half ago, when I had to create my degree plan and form my dissertation committee. In order to form my committee, I had to have a general idea of what my topic would be. To decide on a topic, I had to know enough about what I was interested in, which I figured out through making my degree plan. So in summary, a year and a half ago, around October 2008, I picked a general topic. From there, I have been reading about it, learning what has already been done, and figuring out where I could make a contribution to the world. In April, I made a presentation to my faculty with my preliminary ideas, a required activity to show that we are on target to do our formal proposal in fall in time to apply for internship.

So, I give you (well, those of you who are not in the crazy world of Ph.D. work) that background so you will understand where I was this week. This week I began writing. Not just learning, exploring, but actually going into Word, creating a new file, and saving it under the title "dissertation". My project this week was to give the context for my work. To explain not only what theory I am working under, but why it is important and what the context of the work is. For my dissertation, this was one of those tasks that worked my brain in a way that I haven't worked it in quite some time. I have chosen to take a theory, or an aspect of a theory, and take it in a new direction. So I had to justify my work by tying this theory to a body of work in a whole new area. When I was first given this task, I wasn't sure how it would all connect, but it was really interesting putting it all together. By the end, when it was written and submitted to my chair, I was not only proud of my work, but I realized that my dissertation is really doing something unique. While it was a rough week, the intellectual part of me is satisfied.

Having said that, I'm still a long way from saying I would rather do research than work with children and schools. I do enjoy this work, but I feel most fulfilled when I know I am making a direct difference in the lives of children. It's hard to see how my dissertation, even if I get the results I expect, will trickle down to changes in the schools. I expect that, at best, it might have an effect on theory and future research. I would be happy with that, of course. These are the conflicts we face in a field that is both research and practice.

And with that, it is time for a couple days of housework, and, of course, fun!

P.S. I am still debating on my title change, but for now I have defaulted to the actual name of the blog as stated in the URL. It's simple, maybe too simple, but it will do for now. And I am still going to keep posting pictures all summer :)