Ready or not...

Yesterday I woke up and suddenly felt what can only be described as a biological instinct. It makes sense, I suppose. I've done it this time of year every year since 1983, except 2000. Yes, it was time to go shopping for school supplies. I realized, though, that this year I didn't have to. I am only taking one actual class, plus a seminar about how to apply for internship and my weekly practicum at the high school. So I am sure I have enough pencils, pens, folders, and pads of paper to handle that. I don't use backpacks anymore, just tote bags or messenger bags or whatever else fits my needs on a given day. I don't even need new school clothes, since I only have to look presentable one day a week, and I built up my professional wardrobe last year. Despite all of that I desperately needed to go shopping. Over the course of my life, since the age of five, I have now spent 21 years in school as a student, plus six years as a teacher (which is a much more expensive type of back-to-school shopping, as it involves buying decorations and supplies for a classroom of around 20 children, plus updating a professional wardrobe). It is, as I have mentioned before, a way to throw money at my feelings of anticipation, and is wonderful. So I went to Target, got some new pens, pencils, highlighters, Post-it notes, and the bonus buy, a new messenger bag. It wasn't a lot, but it satiated me for the day.

Today was the more practical side of shopping, a run to the grocery store to get snacks, frozen meals, and drink mixes that could be brought to campus and stored in the office. Within five minutes, I realized the happy anticipation of yesterday's shopping trip had changed into anxiety. The reality of a new year had finally set in. I was thinking about my schedule, about when I had meetings, when I had classes, when I would be able to eat at home versus getting to eat with friends versus eating in the office or in class, when I would need to have extra snacks, how meals will work at the high school...shopping for food made the reality of the new year sink it. I suppose that makes sense- anyone who knows me knows I plan things around meals :) I spent the rest of the shopping trip feeling stressed out and ready to go home and get my thoughts back in order.

So now I am home, with groceries put away and my heart rate back to normal. I feel both stress and anticipation about the coming year. I feel stress because there are many things that didn't get finished this summer- house projects, mostly. I know if I hadn't gotten sick my summer would have been different, but it's too late to worry about that now. I also have many little unknowns that will all be known after my first week of classes, work, and practicum. I also know that this first week will be very busy. I have program evaluation results to present to a district administrator and a group of teachers, and I have this last week to edit my dissertation proposal so it can go to my committee. I think the date is set for me to do the oral presentation the proposal, so no more time to sit around and wait. So my stress is over immediate things that will pass quickly. I will try to not worry about these little things, and focus on the goals of the year- complete my dissertation, get an incredible internship, and have a wonderful fourth year. Because ready or not, it's here.

One of my parting views of Mexico City... as I say goodbye to summer