Week 11- The Savior Complex

I've always felt that my work is important.  Whether in my first career as a teacher or now as a school psychologist, I've always been incredibly passionate about helping children and making their lives better.  Recently, though, I've noticed that in some cases my passion has developed a sense of urgency, if you will.  I'm sure that psychology has already examined what I have been going through, but for now I will call it the Savior Complex.

I am working in what most would describe as an inner-city environment.  There is high poverty and the problems associated with it.  My children know about gangs and drugs.  For some, their parents are in prison, for others, their parents have been deported.  It is not a world I have ever known before, but am trying to understand.

Many children are referred to me at critical times in their lives.  They may have faced a recent transition or loss and are unsure how to cope.  They may be showing early signs of dropping out of school.  They may be showing signs of mental health issues such as depression.  In this environment, it is likely the families of these children have few resources to help- they can't afford counseling (or can't provide transportation to free counseling), or the family may be disjointed and unable to properly support the child the way he or she needs them to.

So my Savior Complex comes in when I get these referrals and realize I am the only option to help these children.  Without my intervention, they will get no treatment for their depression; have no consistent person to talk to about their parent's incarceration; have no one to fight for them to stay in school.  Sometimes, this is a healthy complex to have.  It drives me to do my job the best I can, because if I don't follow through on something it's possible no one else will.  I don't ever want to let my kids down.

What I am realizing, though, is the negative side of this attitude.  Parents have to give permission for their children to work with me.  I have now faced multiple situations where the parents have declined my services.  In each situation I have become angry and upset at my lack of power to "save" the child.  Why would a parent possibly turn down the chance for a professional to work with their child free of charge when they are clearly struggling?  The reasons have been similar, and related to the culture I am working with- they don't want the school and/or a stranger in their family business.  While part of me knows I have to respect this, the rest of me, the professional and savior, becomes furious.  You know your child is having problems coping with their situation.  You have admitted it to the counselor/teacher/etc.  Yet you are turning down free help?  Do you understand how much worse things will get if I don't get to work with your child??????

I am becoming calmer and reminding myself I am not the end-all cure to every child.  The ones who are not receiving my services are not necessarily doomed because I did not intervene.  I am not the only caring adult that will ever have a chance to work with them.  Along the way there will be teachers, counselors, and members of the community who will get to know them and provide support and mentoring.  Their families will do their best to address their needs- I believe that the decline of services was not about what I had to offer and more about their approach to coping with problems.  As I gain experience in my profession, I will gain more peace about the fact that I cannot save every child that I meet.  It's hard to let go, but I have to.  There are many more children who need me.

At the same time, as I do gain students to work with, I must keep realistic expectations about how much change I can enact in their lives.  As I get to know them, it usually becomes clear where I can make change and what is out of my control.  I am an idealist by nature (anyone who knows me can attest to that), but the reality of the situations my students are in can't be ignored.  Still, the work I have been able to do so far gives me hope. I am learning I can't be a savior, but I can be a positive force for children in need.